“Is it you, or is it me?”
“Am I letting you get away with too much? Am I enabling you? Or are you the one with the problem?”
“Why do you say ‘okay I’ll change’ and then a month (or less!) later, we’re just back to where we were before?”
“When should I just give up and walk away? How can I know that feeling with 100% certainty, instead of the constant confusion I now feel?”
These are questions I hear all the time.
The latest set came from one of my closest girlfriends, Jenny.
She’s sniffling on my patio couch, her bare feet tucked up under her, arms around her knees. She’s beautiful, super athletic, and a sucker for exciting guys who have the same strong personal growth trajectory that she has. The men she chooses also have a tendency to get very weird in relationships.
Three marriages later, you’d think she’d know by now how to spot the men who’ll eventually trample her. And for that matter, the close girlfriends she’s had who’ll also make her end up feeling in the wrong.
The latest is that she’s broken up with Jake.
I remember when Jake was so amazing. Then he started getting…odd.
It began with jealousy: Was she flirting with other guys? Was she having too much fun with her girlfriends on girls night? Had she ever slept with one of her oldest and best friends, who happens to be a guy?
Jake began rifling through her email and texts, and when he found her old Tinder profile, went full out on the offensive.
After many deep, soul-felt conversations and constant texts with Jake, she was convinced that maybe she was guilty after all, maybe he was right about her. Maybe she was crazy and just couldn’t remember doing any bad things with those guys?
“Oh boy,” I tell her. “Jake’s gotta work this crap out, and you have just the right amount of self-doubt, lack of self-trust, and big-hearted sympathy that allows him to dump his inner fears all over you. And that’s your part to get over — your willingness to take it and start doubting yourself.
“Why do you believe what he’s telling you, against your own inner knowledge? Baby it takes two to tango. You can’t wait for him to solve his part first. You have to solve yours—now.
“Get some boundaries in place and start trusting yourself. You don’t need any more reasons or proof to do this. Just do it. Start telling yourself, ‘I’m right and he’s wrong’ and believe it even if it’s hard to do.”
Ok, so I didn’t say it quite so harshly. But that’s the gist.
It’s such an old routine. We all know it. So why we do we keep getting trapped in it?
Why does the Flow keep leading us to the same scenarios over and over again?
I’m spending a whole hour on this in tomorrow’s Flowdreaming podcast, “Create Strong Boundaries’” where we go deep into where and how we give up our power in our relationships.
And I don’t just mean with romantic partnerships: I mean with family, friends, bosses, coworkers…you name it.
Aside from your known boundary issues, you’ll probably find some unexpected new ones too. And that’s exactly why I’m doing the show.
Join me tomorrow as we get real with our strong, fearless, kick-ass natures!
Podcast Episode Title: Create Strong Boundaries
Airdate: Tuesday Oct. 13 at 12-1 pm Pacific Time.
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Much love to you all!