I get hate mail all the time. I’ve gotten it for years. It started at least a decade ago or more, when I created Hay House Radio, and people would send me, the Network Producer, hate mail about the particular shows I aired and how I should run them better or even kick certain hosts off the station. (Yes, Wayne Dyer got hate mail, Louise Hay got hate mail….it’s pretty universal). It taught me a lot about people.
So for no particular reason, I found myself trolling my old book reviews this morning, and getting a laugh out of the particularly hostile ones. Book reviews can be a form of hate mail.
Here’s a condensed excerpt of a book review I stumbled on that’s so bitter, I even forwarded to my mom (she gets a laugh).
“Apart from coming across as abrasively full of herself ”¦ in fact it is apparent that Ms Summer has lived a very nice life and apparently has no concept of how bad life can get, how little control ordinary people may have over certain things. It seems to me that Ms Summer is the lucky owner of a newly minted soul, a first lifer (you get them), still reflecting the in glory of wholeness. How nice. Enjoy it while you can.
If I were you Summer, I would have a serious chat with my ‘guides’, your higher self or wherever you are getting your guidance from, because the info you are getting is flawed. Also, read a bit perhaps. Find out what’s out there before making sweeping statements about life, the universe and everything. A considerate person would hedge her bets, show some humility (none here!!!) and show some understanding for the common human experience, which is in fact not all colored roses bubbles and bliss.”
If I were this woman, I’d have thought, “No big deal. I don’t like this book. Move on.”
But this person got deeply triggered, and this is where things can actually get dangerous. She wants me to get triggered with her. She wants me to feel how she feels.
And if I’m not careful, this means that not only could I get really upset or sad, but even worse . . . I could begin to subconsciously hold this other person’s opinion of me inside myself.
If I believe her, and feel hurt by her, then I’m accepting her opinion inside me of who I actually am.
And if I did that, I’d be letting this stranger have power over me, from inside me. Then I’d start to fail to me be, and become a little more like her.
I’d have given her that power over me. Follow that? That’s the Big Daddy concept here.
It’s not about whether or not you’re hurt by words, it’s the slow build-up of doubt they can create. It’s someone else telling you how to think and feel, and if you believe them even the teeniest bit, then you start living a little less like yourself, and a little more like them.
Her words remind me of other emails and reviews I’ve received, most of which tell me how in some way or another I’m fatally flawed, selfish, insensitive, or ignorant and then prescribe how I should fix myself.
Which leads me to remember another email I got a few years back in response to a newsletter just like this one, which, I’ve started to realize, did in fact affect me.
Here’s how that one went down:
I’d used the word “pissy” in an email to describe something ”¦ well ”¦ pissy. As in: whiny, immature, and self-centered.
The critic in my email said she was promptly unsubscribing due to my “white trash language.” (Apparently, she didn’t know that “white trash” is actually a racist term, worse than “pissy” at least from a social angle.)
However ”¦ fast forward and here I am, realizing I haven’t used the word pissy in an email ever since. Nor have I used the words monkey-balls, asshole, or any other word my friends who know me would say I use with unusual regularity and gusto.
But this email today is not about cursing, or even judgey book reviews. It’s about limitations-especially hidden limitations, and how they’re made.
Because I just found one.
And damn it, Pissy Lady was part of it. I’m irritated at myself that she snuck through and impacted me after all. My language has been pristine-clean ever since.
Imagine that we all have these sort of “inner walls” inside us that either allow us to do, feel, or have something ”¦ or not do, feel, or have something. These walls channel us down certain paths of possibility and eliminate other paths, like rats in a maze choosing one corridor over another, restricted by high walls.
Our inner walls are framed, often invisibly, by the input and reactions of everyone around us and those channel the way we express ourselves in the world.
For example, if your mother told you you weren’t the prettiest girl, you’ll have defined yourself by that and shut off certain possibilities for yourself, while opening others. This means that in Flow-thinking, our walls are fundamentally what limit or channel our ability to create and manifest.
(Incidentally, this is one of our biggest focuses in M.E. School, where we do a LOT of wall busting and rebuilding, because it’s these walls that either trap you or free you.)
There’s no point in being in Flow if you yourself are constantly limiting and restricting this Flow into only diminished channels that you can energetically accept.
And critically, you have to see these channels before you can evaluate whether they’re working for you (meaning leading you to the prize, my pretty rat!) or restricting you from ever even desiring the prize in the first place because someone, somewhere, had helped wall it off from you, based on their feedback about who you are, what you should want, and how you should behave.
Which led me to realize just this morning that I’ve been unconsciously self-censoring myself in emails-allowing my fear of upsetting a few people to sacrifice my authenticity-ever since Pissy Lady.
This means I’ve been unconsciously favoring the sensitive, censorious, and judgmental types over the creative, fierce, and open types every time I write monkeyb***s instead of monkeyballs. This makes no sense. And it’s sure as monkeyballs not me.
So going forward, you might see some juicy, weighty, eyebrow-raising f-bombs in my emails. Or you might not. It’s still my choice.
The question for you is:
- Who helped build your walls, not just around how you show up in your language, but anywhere in your life?
- Do you want that person, people, or life experiences to still keep defining you?
Pull up the floorboards. Start looking. It’s crazy rewarding when you do.
The result is you get to be more of you, not them, and you become that beautiful open, radiant essence of uniqueness that you are meant to be-uncluttered by other people’s limited beliefs about who you are.
Then Flow responds to that with a flowering of opportunities way beyond what you’ve ever had before.
Feels good, huh!?
Now post below, and tell me if I’ve offended you.
My true love to you all,
P.S. If the idea of learning how to be more YOU is becoming a high-priority in your life, then I highly suggest M.E. School. We’re already enrolling our next wave of students. If you want to talk to me or one of my amazing coaches about M.E. School, click here.
Thank you for making me pull up the â€œfloorboardsâ€ in every area of my life! And thank you for making me laugh out loud! Monkey balls! Iâ€™ll proudly say it with youâ€”and I shall write it whenever I am so inclined. Rock on, Summer!!
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Love this article and, of course, it came at the perfect time. I caught myself in the act of self-sensoring and wondered why I was even doing it. I couldn’t figure out why I was so mad at myself for wanting to clamp my mouth shut, but I get it now. Thank you.
Monkey balls is a great term, shall incorporate it into daily usage.
Great food for thought!
I’ve been lost and drowning in other people’s energies and ideas for a long time. I was once told I was stupid for being a kind person. I finally feel I can get my own amazing energies in order. For once enjoying my life fully along with all of the gifts god has blessed me with. I feel lighter already. Thank you.ðŸ˜Š
Nope, not offended here 🙂 Your right we can’t let the “pissy people” get us down or sneak into our phsyci. It is way to easy to let this stuff in with out even realizing it sometimes! It can be so hard too be vigulant all the time, but we must! I have just been trying to let go of crap from the past that I know is holding me back. Everytime I think I’ve delt with it…it pops back up down the road. I guess I will have to keep working on it. I know the things they said to me as a child is a reflection of them and has nothing to do with me; but seems to be stuck down there some where…
Thanks for all you do Summer <3
Oh Summer, your timing of this post was impeccable!! I was just broken up with via a text message, poison arrow straight to the heart dead center -bulls eye. Your post opened my eyes and lie some healing into my heart, thank you! The guy’s reasoning (a guy who proclaimed to be in love with and love me btw) used the same crappy censorship tactic on me…ugh!
Peace and love from Colorado!
I mean, it LET some healing into my heart.
Right on! I experienced the harshness of someone who I thought was my dear spiritual friend. She posted on her blog that she had a friend who didn’t know what she believed because she was all over the place in her thinking. She believed in angels, near death experiences, reiki, law of attraction, flow dreaming, crystals, fairies, Buddhism, quantum physics, cellular biology, Power animals. Etc. etc. etc. It hurt me very much. I had helped this person financially very often. I realized that this was her problem. Her opinion of me. I quietly withdrew from the friendship never telling her why and wished her well. Lesson learned. What I learned is that you CANNOT control other people’s opinions. I am the way I am because I do believe in all those things and they are all connected. And I am no longer afraid of being the person I am. I light up a room when I enter as we are all meant to do… By being authentic!!!! Love to all.
better to live a woo-woo everything sparkles life than to be drowned in criticism and cynicism
Sometimes we are reminded of others’ insecurities as a test to continually remain strong and secure in ourselves. The stronger you are, the more difficult they’ll become. The whole thing really amazes me. Thanks for reminding me for so many years we all have difficult people we need to overcome the best way we know how: with love and forgiveness and authenticity. Please continue to speak your truth. Much love and admiration and embarrassment because I typo’d a negative email to you once due my phone auto correct and I have felt bad ever since about that. You are really amazing and a blessing.
hi Summer, your advice is always excellent for those of us who are born into relatively quiet, civilized societies, but what about people who live in war-torn countries, are victims of starvation and disease, or born into slavery, or sold as sex slaves? You may say they have the same control over their thoughts as we do, but their environment is so terrible, and they are so restricted by it, I don’t think many can overcome it. Your thoughts on this?
Thank you–and thanks to my spirit guides! This morning, a nasty incident with a neighbor came up in my mind again, and I asked my spirit guides what I needed to learn to get rid of this repeating mental incident. Your words about the Big Daddy concept explained so much and resonated deeply with me. I felt instant release and relief, and caught myself before self-righteousness set in toward the neighbor. Not only did you not offend me, you helped me take two big steps today. Again, thank you!
OMG! Two things: First, I LOVE YOU EVEN MORE knowing you cuss! Holy Fuckballs! And second, I’m shocked you get hate mail! WTF? Those people need help. What’s that saying? “If you have haters you must be doing something right.”
Just now read this about hate in “The Wind Up Bird Chronicle” by Murakami “Hatred is like a long, dark shadow. Not even the person it falls upon knows where it comes from, in most cases. It is like a two-edges sword. When you cut the other person, you cut yourself. The more violently you hack at the other person, the more violently you hack at yourself.” A good reminder to move out of the dark shadows.
He’s one of my favorite writers! I’ve read that book. Love this quote.
Like minds? Visit my web site at stephNart.com, see what you think.
I have noticed lately that there is Flow in my life, but in diminished channels, as you so well put it. Time to start pulling up the floorboards. Thank you Summer xx
No offence here.
Monkey Balls, Summer- this is fucking awesome! Nothing pissy about it, no bull shit, just honesty and authenticity. Rock on, Summer, because you, on fire, light us all up! Much love to you.
YES!! Exactly what Donna Haar wrote! Elequently stated!
Thank you, Summer! I, too, moderate my language for fear of upsetting some people. Apparently, little white haired old ladies aren’t supposed to cuss. Well, pig’s arse to that!!
I loved this! I think it’s so important to remember to put these things in perspective. After all, if you never offended anyone, rubbed anyone the wrong way, etc. then are you even saying anything worth putting out there?! If every single person just adores you in this world it’s probably for reasons that aren’t so great. Perhaps, because you’re being a people pleasure. If you’re not being your authentic self or willing to stand up for anything you’ll be easily swayed by everything. I’d rather be hated by some because I am really doing something in this world than be adored by all for absolutely nothing.
Summer, bring on the monkey balls and F-Bombs! In reading your blogs for the last 8 years now, I’ve always found you to be one of the most clean-cut, straight and narrow people out there. After reading this blog though, I like you even better! Talking like that, believe it or not, makes you more relatable and likable. You may be worried that you’ll lose some people, and you might. But you’ll gain even more!
I could not agree more with what you just said!!!!
Summer , all of your fans love you and want you to be and say what’s on your mind . We love you just the way you are. If that gal was offended then that’s great she should unsubscribe. You need to only be true to you , we all love you because of that. I heard Gabrielle Bernstein say “forgive and delete”. It’s about that person not you … So forgive them and then hit the delete button. Wayne Dyer said what others say about you says more about them than you . I love that !!! Your the best Summer! Keep on giving us all your awesome flow wisdom ! Big hugs Tonja
Thanks for the update. Be yourself. Hope my differences with some of New Thought/New Age questionable things do not come across as “hate.” These differences of experiences are just as real as monkey balls. We all have our individual depths of experience. I celebrate yours whether or not you swear. So many of us unfolding in contradictory ways, yet still adding love to the collective! Thrive on.
Ah Summer, the most healing thing you can do is to be completely true and accepting of ALL of yourself. (I know you know this! ????) Gratefully, the more you do this, the more you guide all of us into this same healing…a healing we all can thrive from. Besides, anyone who could take offense clearly missed your wit and humor! Blessings!
Great article – thanks! It doesn’t have to be something like hate mail that causes those walls either. It can be as simple as a parent reflecting their own limitations and since these neural pathways in our brain are being formed throughout our lives and this is a normal thing to happen, I guess even the walls you describe are part of the beautiful process of becoming and choosing the magnificence of who we are and who we want to be. Rock on!
Thanks Summer. I like how you’ve described this. And I think there is a term for this dynamic – projective identification – when you believe what others are projecting on you and own that shadow as your own. Another angle on why loving and respecting yourself is so important.
Thanks for reminding me to pull up those floorboards. No offense taken.
Non illegitimi carborundum est is pig Latin for don’t let the bastards grind you down, a favorite expression of mine when crap gets thrown at me, at the same time reminding myself that it is not about me except if I am triggered by the crap , then I examine myself to see why I was triggered and I heal that and send a silent thank you to the perpetrator or angel in disguise for showing me a place in myself that needed healing that I was unconscious of and then I move on, secure in the knowledge that I am unconditionally loved by the Source and can do no wrong, I am just like everyone else, in learning mode, on earth school.
Bless you for your beautiful spirit and stay strong in the knowledge that perfection is who you truly are and negative comments can only trigger your small self which is not who you are.,
Summer, you are wonderfully refreshing in a negative day and age. Too many people are insensitive, judgemental, and unnecessarily critical of others. In reality most of them are unhappy with themselves or their perceived reality, and need to,look within to improve themselves. But most take it out on others, especially those whom they envy. So if they choose to be pissy, I say to them “monkey balls!” Thanks for all you do, Summer. Keep on being you and inspiring those of us who are open to your positivity! Lots of love and blessings to you!!
Hi Summer, thanks for all that you do. I love your posts and podcasts. This post brought up for me an interesting twist… and that is how this applies to parenting. It is a question that has been raised for me lately about how I believe it is my responsibility to correct, teach and dare I say even ‘train’ or ‘judge’ certain behaviours as part of the parenting process. I wonder, if in a future post or podcast, you might feel called to address this issue in our role as parents. Since, as parents and guides for our children, we often the ones that are laying down the metaphorical walls, floorboards and hence limitations, for them. Your insight on how to do that in a healthy would be very welcome. Thank you!
I love this post and it came at a perfect time for me. After years of go-go-go, I finally have the time for a little introspection. I’ve been trying to hone in on what I want to do with the rest of my life, find what will bring me the most joy and happiness, and then go for it with all the monkeyballs-to-the-wall gusto I can muster. Your post is making me take a look at some paths that I may have turned away from but which may be exactly where I need to go. And I’m not offended by your authentic self’s language. In fact I don’t trust people who don’t curse a blue-streak once in while!
Hi Summer, You’ve done some amazing things with your life. I didn’t know you started Hay House Radio – I am a subscriber. Do you live in Colorado? The people here are not usually as negative as some of these email senders. I’m sorry you have had this experience but I can tell you, that since those people do not know you, the comments cannot really be personally directed at you. They are probably directed at her own disappointment with and lack of acceptance of her situation, which I can appreciate, since I’ve been there myself at times. I know it still hurts, but its not personal.
Great post, made me laugh outloud several times! X
Great advice. Don’t let the world beat you down. Easy to say, hard to keep in focus. Like kmac22 said, “I needed that.”
Thank you, Summer. This is an important point to be reminded about.
You have to be authentic to who you are. You are very articulate and the choice of “spicy” language helps to convey your emotions about that situation. It makes you human; makes you real. And if they can’t help your truth, then —-; that says more about them and restrictions that they have placed on their emotions. Be real, be love, be beautiful.
Thanks. I needed that.