Outgrowing Your Relationship Is Normal

Yes, the downside to pursuing a life of personal growth is that you might outgrow your friends and family and zip right past them.

Seems like a weird thing to worry about, but worry about it we do. Because when it happens, it’s painful. It’s sad.

I’m not going to bother with the whole crabs in a bucket story because I’m sure you’ve heard it.

Your friends and family fit who you are right now. We’re all floating on the same level of awareness in our big bathtub of life. If we connect, then we’re generally at the same level.

However, you’re maybe not so content with this level. It’s got some icky parts. You’re tired of the negativity. Tired of the constant lack-thinking. Fed up with the family bullshit. Done with feeling stuck in work that leaves you totally exhausted yet unfulfilled when you come home.

You want things to change. You want to find better ways of living, thinking, feeling and being. And so you read this email. Or a book about growth You Google self-help. You pop on a podcast about meditation. You take a weekend workshop.

And . . . you start to feel different. You’re seeing things differently. You’re feeling more powerful, more free inside. You’re feeling more authentically you, more fearless. And as a result you start saying different things to your family and friends. You hear them piss around about how crappy something is and it just gets irritating.

“So change it!” you think.

My dear, you are growing. And this is the consequence. It almost makes you want to stop, doesn’t it?

Except you can’t. There’s no going backwards.

Free-falling into growth means you’re going to shoot past some people in the game of life.

You think they’ve changed. They haven’t — you have.

Your parents might seem less smart, more fearful, and less capable than you thought before. Your friends might seem selfish and negative. Your co-workers might seem like disempowered complainers. You wonder why you used to enjoy them, but now you’re impatient to get away.

Here’s the deal: we don’t all grow at the same rate or in the same area at the same time. Like middle school kids, some are going to get paunchy and pimply, others are going to get awkward and stringy. No one will stay how they look in 7th grade (Thank God).

Everyone you know is going to grow, too. And they might be busy at it right now. So it’s okay to let go of the people who’re really mis-matching you right now. They might catch up someday. And maybe they’re feeling the same way about you — that you’re irritating and annoying — who knows! In other words, it’s normal to feel like you’re outgrowing your friends.

We love our friends and family, and we always want to fit in. But hiding your growth is not only silly, it’s impractical. Because, maybe you’re the stimulant for their growth. Maybe you’re the sand in their oyster. Give then a chance.

When you shut down your truth, you’re basically protecting them from themselves. You’re helping them stay at their current level. You’re not even giving them a chance to catch up to you, let alone see where you’re at.

This is really common among romantic partners. One person grows. They develop new needs and goals. But they don’t want to rock the boat. The thought of losing their marriage or partnership or messing up the kids with divorce is so big (in other words, the feelings they fear are so big) that they just shut up and pretend all is well, while growing increasingly distant inside.

One day, poof. It’s over. Relationship done. The rift finally led to that dull realization that we’re carrying on two separate and silent lives that only crossover at dinnertime and paying the rent.

One or both people in that relationship gave up on their partner’s ability to grow. It feels like you’ve outgrown the relationship. So you began protecting your partner from seeing your own growth. You basically say, “Honey I really don’t think you can understand or catch up to what I’m feeling or where I’m going. You can’t or won’t change, so I’m not even going to give you the opportunity. I’m going to pretend I’m fine with the status quo. I’m sorry, I don’t think you can do it.”

If that is you or your partner, can you see how much that sucks? You gave up on your partner. And you thought you were being nice.

Of course you know this isn’t just about a partner. It’s about Mom, Dad, your best friend, your sister. Who is it in your life?

The dealio is this: Give the people in your life a shot at growth. If you love them, give them a chance. And if they still continue to flounder around in the bucket, go ahead and climb out.

Then see who’s at the new level with you. They’re going to be the new friends and family who inspire you to grow. And they’re waiting for you.

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I would love to hear your comments on this article. Please leave one below!

P.S. If you’re ready to let other people flow into your life who match your current state of growth, try the Good Friends and Emotional intimacy Playlist. And if showing your true self is more of the issue, then look up the Reclaim My Power and Speak My Truth Playlist.