Some people don’t like you. And, they’ll never like you. And you can’t make them like you. And there is nothing you can do about it.
I took a yoga class this evening with a new teacher. We spent an entire hour doing what felt like a variation of the same standing pose, and the teacher was full of criticism. My butt was too high, my shoulders were drooping, and my feet were not wide enough apart. When I inadvertently stretched in between poses to unkink my aching arms, she scolded me, “We are not doing that stretch right now.”
Twenty minutes into the class, I wanted to leave. And twenty minutes later, I found myself thinking what an awful teacher she was, and how her rigid yoga philosophy was so unlike my own. Twenty minutes after that, I thought, “What is my Flow doing bringing me here?” and so I spent the rest of class thinking about the way I really disliked this teacher, while around her the other students were happily chirping that this was the best class in town, since you really got to learn each yoga pose so well.
Not long ago, I made the decision to finally begin teaching workshops in person. My biggest fear about intimate presentations and workshops is that I won’t give my attendees all that they come to learn. That somehow I’ll fail to communicate what I intend to, and they’ll be disappointed. I worry that they won’t like me. I will be like this yoga teacher with a half a dozen huffing, puffing, happy students doing headstands, and one sulky disappointed one like me.
I know this is silly. I know that some people just don’t energetically match up. And I think my Flow is bringing me into contact with a lot of people right now who don’t energetically match with me, just so I’ll be sure to get the point. It’s not their fault; it’s not my fault. We just don’t look at the world the same way, and the accumulation of experiences we each carry from our lives is so different that we have little to relate to each other with.
However, my Flow heard my desire to teach, so it’s bringing me experiences right now that will help my teaching become a smooth, enjoyable act. Apparently, I can start by watching other “bad” teachers and realizing that they are only “bad” to my way of relating to the world – the happy class around her reminds me that my judgements are only applicable to my own feelings.
Somewhere along the way of my life, I became a people-pleaser. And now I am unlearning that trait, because when I spend so much of my time trying to make that one or two sulky people happy, it means I’m ignoring (or not concentrating my energy) on those people with whom I do match, and who can learn from me, or with whom I can be a good friend, or a good employee to, or share myself with.
It’s like in your family: if you worry constantly about that one person in your family with whom you don’t get along, then you’re giving over “X” amount of your energy – your precious moments of life – to that disharmony.
What about all the people in your family who do love you and want to have more good times with you? Like this teacher, don’t give all your attention and obsessive thoughts to the one angry student (or lover, friend, employer, coworker, teacher, parent, child, etc.) in your life. Some people just won’t like you, and no matter how you try to please them, or how much you rail about not liking them, your energy signatures will just never match up, and you won’t ever see the world the same way or look eye to eye.
Be choosy where you expend your energy – focus on areas of harmony first, where your Flow carries you effortlessly forward. These are probably areas that you habitually ignore – you overlook them since they are so mellow and easy. Maybe it’s your marriage. Or your relationship with a parent, or good friend. Maybe it’s a good customer or client, or some other aspect of work where you’re always rewarded.
Stop trying to please everyone, and simply please those with whom you create the most mutual benefit. Take a moment now to think about the people who don’t like you, and the people who do. Now send the people who love you a little note or email telling them that you love them too: “I love you and I’m glad you’re in my life.” “I always enjoy doing business with you.” “I had such a good time the last time we went out – we should do it again.” “I love your class and think you’re great at teaching this material.” And so on.
Thank you, yoga teacher, for reminding me that I won’t like everyone, and they won’t like me, and that’s perfectly okay.
