I used to think life was fair: If I played by the rules, bad stuff wouldn’t happen. Now I know that those rules are bunk.
I received an email this morning from someone that puts into words exactly how I used to feel:
She wrote: “We couldn’t afford much as we went through our layoff with our newborn and toddler in tow, but we managed to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps in the end. For quite awhile there, our life was a chaotic storm. We couldn’t see anything but the nightmare around us…we didn’t understand…we were educated professionals who played by the rules…why is this happening to us?!”
I know that feeling so well. It’s pure disillusionment.
But when you get past this, you become free. Absolutely free.
Here’s why:
We all have a set of rules that we play by. And we get really upset when other people break these rules, and seem to suffer no consequences.
(Have you ever wished someone you despise would get a broken leg, but they NEVER do, and worse, better and better things keep happening to them? If you have, you’ve got to keep reading.)
We also get bummed when we ourselves do everything right, and then one day we get completely dumped on.
I felt this way when I left my corporate job. It wasn’t fair that I was making the company multi-millions each year through our new division, and no one saw or cared about what I had given them, even when the numbers were staring them right in the face.
I felt this way, too, when I got cancer at 43. I eat organic foods, was vegetarian for 24 years, and I’ve probably swallowed more herbs and vitamins than most people will consume in a lifetime. So, cancer? Seriously?
It’s not fair.
However…thank God I’ve gotten over fairness!!!!
Hear me: Fairness can hamstring you and hold you back in ways you can’t imagine. Let’s turn this concept on its head.
Ready to go break a ceiling in your thinking?
I’ve got a much better strategy to play by!!!
Do you want to find out what it is???
It means getting a whole new paradigm for evaluating myself and the things that happen to me.
Flow is going to remind you again and again that control is an illusion.
Learning to manifest doesn’t mean that you’re learning how to be better at micro-managing your life.
Flow is going to remind you over and over that you can’t force life into your schedule, your timing, or your expectation of fairness. It’s thinking bigger than that.
Flow is going to remind you that you have an ally in life that will position you exactly where you need to be in each moment, and which has already given you your next step in each of those moments.
I’ve expected and demanded things that were inherently in conflict with what other people and places could give me. Being in a position like that is like being in an arm-wrestling contest with life. You’ll experience the constant pain and tension of trying to force your way.
And one of those ways is through demanding fairness, because it’s the way you impose your control onto the world.
This is where Flowdreaming comes in.
When you Flowdream, you begin talking to life very differently.
You learn to say things like, “I feel like [XYZ] in [XYZ] area of my life.”
“I feel tremendous reward and security in my career.”
“I feel peace and new connectedness with my family.”
“I feel release from guilt and that I deserve happiness in my relationship.”
Get the idea?
I call this feeling the emotional endpoints.
Instead of railroading your Flow to do what you think it should do when you think it should do it, you instead give your Flow emotional parameters to work within.
Think of it as steering the ship. You don’t control the ocean (which is life, other people, etc.) but you do guide yourself toward where you want to end up.
Understanding this has changed everything for me.
When I left my corporate job, my emotional endpoints were screaming: “I want to have more time with my kids and not be a 9 to 5 slave. I want to explore my personal potential. I want to feel rewarded and not restricted.”
Flow has given me all that”¦only not through the narrow means of the former job that I’d expected it to come through (which is what I thought, at the time, would be fair).
Now that I have cancer, my emotional endpoints are saying: “I want to experience growth even as I learn to give up control. I want even more time-freedom in my life. I want whatever I need to move to the next point in my personal success as a mother, wife, friend, and business owner.”
I completely trust that I’m receiving this. It’s just that it hasn’t come in the way I expected. But it has come.
I have to open my eyes and let go of my specific expectations of how I thought I should have been rewarded, and instead see how I am being rewarded.
Because I am. My emotional endpoints (through my Flowdreaming) are offering me enormous bounty right now. And now that I’m not thinking in terms of fair/not fair, I can actually see that bounty.
Whether cancer is “fair” or not is totally beside the point.
Now, think about something in your life that’s not fair. I know you have one! We all do.
Take a moment to ask: How can I get out of that the old paradigm of either/or (fair/unfair, in my control/out of my control) and get instead into a new paradigm?
I’d love to hear what you’re working on. Post it below.
Xox with love and Flow!
P.S. Two great playlists to begin learning this are:
Ask and I Will Receive Playlist
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Yes! Thank you, Summer! Finally, someone gets the point. The problem I had with these other “Law of Attraction” & “Creative Visualisation”, etc. is that they claia you can bend reality to your will or that the things you want will come to you, which is simply not true. One person can’t have that much control. What you do though through flow dreaming (love the term, btw) though is you are bending yourself through emotional perspective and Will (True for those who practice Thelema) to find your new reality. In the book, Liber Null & Psychonaut: Introduction to Chaos Magick, it’s going to not happen overnight, you might be able to be able to course corrections about the most 10% so as you shift yourself towards your desired reality not only have one big emotional endpoint but you can also chart smaller, more attainable smaller, specific goals (not objectives, there’s a difference. Leave the “when” to the Flow).
It’s also important to understand why the strong emotion because your quantum energy field (aura), although all your chakras (energy points in your body) emit energy, it’s not your pineal gland or 6th chakra that emits the strongest electric / magnetic field, it’s actually your heart chakra. So, for instance, if your boyfriend or girlfriend breaks up with you, although the hormones & chemical reactions are in your head, you feel it in your chest, like your heart is breaking. Changing your emotion to a more positive one isn’t easy. Realistically, you can improve your mood to perhaps one or two shifts but it’s better than what you felt before & it’s good to keep building on it. 🙂 “Surround yourself with positive people” I think was one of the 7 Habits of Success.
Anyway, thank you, Summer and when I have some money available, I’d like to order one of your mp3 playlists. – Blessed be, Myri
I’ve been caring for my two aged parents, 91 and 93, one with advanced dementia for almost 6 years. Why so close to the end of this journey, the newest caregiver stole all my moms and my gold and diamond jewelry. It feels like such a huge loss and she got away with it. The betrayal and feeling foolish for allowing such a huge theft to happen. It’s the first time my party’s or me were robbed. And my intentions here have been pure. So yes, I resonate with this post, life does not seem fair. I also practice law of attraction and am trusting of people and maybe I was in denial that this could happen to me. I didn’t think these thoughts and I didn’t protect myself. I’m trying not to go into self blame, but I’d like help making sense of it. Thanks Summer for being honest on your journey.
Helene,
The lesson before you is very important. I have experienced an event with many similarities to your story and the choices I made immediately after the theft had occurred have had a profound effect on my life as well as the lives of my friends. My journey had prepared me to receive the news of this theft(even though the loss was significant) with complete and total acceptance. My training kicked in and I realized this was a test to determine if I cared more about the material items I lost or the continued advancement of becoming an enlightened soul. My lack of interest and no signs of disgust on the matter was confusing to my friends as they felt someone should pay and they spoke of it often. As time passed they came to realize that the material objects coveted by many are preventing them from ever experiencing the freedom and release from a societal trap that prevents you from connecting with your true self. Jerry Willis
Thank you Jerry for responding to my post and validating my experience. It has felt traumatic to me on many levels. Besides the loss of the valuables, I have felt I let my dad down for not being more responsible. So I feel the lesson is also not to self blame, or feel I did something wrong. I also didn’t do much as far as attacking or accusing the caregiver, or fight to try to get my stuff back. So in trying to move toward acceptance and surrender, it feels like I was a doormat as well, such an easy target.
I appreciate you responding to this and I will take in what you shared.
I am willing to see the blessing in this. I rejoice to receive it. I’m willing to have the deepest healing.
Helene,
I’m really feeling your response and you should take comfort knowing this lesson is from your Dad. The misinformed lady that chose to exchange the passion filled care giving opportunity for material items did not get away with anything. She is now faced with carrying the jewels, the guilt and has to face the integrity and character degrading process of negotiating with an unscrupulous street buyer who will leave her feeling violated, dissatisfied and for her sake asking her self why did I do this to the people who were helping me. Maybe an opportunity for growth, however not likely unless she meets someone like you. (You should consider this.) Your Dad was a wise man to give you these opportunities to decipher.
Regarding the Law of Attraction and it’s guidelines recommending being very specific with what you want or what your intentions are seem to be creating unwanted experiences, results and confusion.
To solve these challenges, I’ve developed 5 Alive. 5 Alive addresses all confusing issues, addresses uncertainty and enlightens the soul to a place previously not enjoyed. And it is simple to understand and begin enjoying instantly. 5 Alive asks you to share with 5 random souls you encounter in your daily routine the gift that forces them to emphatically SMILE!! That’s it. Make someone different smile 5 times a day. If you do this 5 times a day, the universe will take care of you.
Helene, I would love to hear how this aligns with your current beliefs.
Thanks
Jerry Willis
Summer the thing in my life that I think is not fair is the fact that I was divor 1990 and I have not had one relationship with a man who has wanted to love me back. Additionally I live in total isolation outside of work with no friends and no interpersonal interactions. I don’t attract loving people into my life. The lack of loving relationships has baffled me and I am so ready to attract my perfect partner. I can’t seem to stick to flowdreaming because it feels like I have been asking for so long with no results that I have no energy to continue trying. I just turned 59 years old and have been single since I was 32. Thank you for allowing me to share my experience of unfairness.
Jocelyn, The answer is easy. You can have all that you want if you commit to a life changing experience called 5 Alive. Nothing else in your life can accomplish this except 5 Alive and it’s instant and life long if shared. All you have to do is emphatically create a smile on the face of 5 souls you do not know and all your dreams will be answered. If you commit to this daily, everything will begin to align with the things that matter you to and your pathway to enlightenment will be clear, including someone to share it with.
Should you go for it, I would love to hear how you feel.
Thanks Jerry Willis
Dear Summer,
With great respect I always read you articles. I admire your strength en positiveness. I usually practice flowdreaming myself (with your CD’s), but somehow not at the moment. It is not yet a structure in my daily schedule.
For a long time now I feel stuck! I too felt many times that life was not fair, also the work I am doing is not that want I really want.
I feel that all the areas in my life are upside down, I have no control and it freaks me out! I noticed that I have a deep sense of unworthyness, I can’t do it, nothing is helping, it doesn’t go the way I want, etc. Somehow I cannot take action! It feels like I have lost myself.
I have been in a great flow, feeling good about myself and everything else, but why does it seem unreachable to me now!
What am I doing wrong here.
Inci,
It is very simple, everything is about you and it cannot be that way. Your answer lies in how you make the people you encounter each day feel about themselves. I have developed a way to overcome these challenges called 5 Alive. Your only goal each day is to emphatically create a smile on the face of 5 souls you do not know. If you commit to this you will be aligning yourself with all that you deserve. Go for it and I would love to hear your thoughts.
Thanks
Jerry Willis.
wow, your description of your new endpoints post Cancer, totally with you! Also 43, two months since my ‘clear scan’, stage 3 bordering 4….just want to spend time with my husband, my animals, and my family ALL THE TIME :). You out in words what I have been feeling, so hopefully that will help me ‘flow’ there!
First and foremost, Summer, I am sending you lots of positive and healing wishes! ((HUG))
Yup, I’ve known financially successful people who were simply awful human beings while my husband and I are honest, generous, hard-working people and have been financially struggling for years (I’ve been trying to earn an income for 9 years, either traditional job-wise or as an entrepreneur to no avail). It doesn’t seem fair.
I also used to have a best friend that could get a job then within a month go on a vacation for 2-4 weeks and STILL have her job when she got back! She would also ask for more money and get it, while the one time I asked for more money, the job offer was rescinded. What’s up with that? lol
I like your idea of emotional endpoints, Summer. I’m, once again, at the point where I’ve given up, am exhausted from trying so hard, and greatly disappointed with how long this desert period has gone on. I’m waiting for signs as to my next step(s).
I guess my emotional endpoints would be: I feel tremendous security and gratitude within my career. I feel elated at helping alleviate people’s sorrow and getting them to trust in themselves and their own intuition. I feel happy that I can afford necessities and some luxuries in life.
How’s that? 🙂 Thank you, Summer for sharing.
Summer:
When I first saw your e-mails about cancer I was so triggered that I almost unsubscribed. I don’t want to focus on being sick, and I have become pretty good at redirecting my attention from things I don’t want to attract into my experience.
I struggle with understanding this, and although I understand what you’re saying about fair/not fair and control/lack of control. I get that. I think we have to control what we can and then let go.
Yet, that still doesn’t explain to me the “why” of cancer. How does that help anyone live a better life? Getting sick helps people learn lessons? So are we here to learn lessons and pass tests, or are we just here for the experience? And why would anyone choose cancer?
If you are saying that cancer is a good thing because it helped you have more time with your family, and all the other “emotional endpoints” you wanted, then that would make sense to me. However, couldn’t Flow have brought you those things without surgery and illness? Otherwise, it’s hard to imagine that anyone would choose the experience of cancer.
And that’s why the fair/not fair dichotomy exists, I think. How hopeless would we all be if we didn’t think we had any control?
I would like you to tie this up with a pretty bow and explain the “why.” So, life is not fair — but if Flow is your ally, why would it bring you this experience? That’s the piece that’s missing for me.
Hi Christine, I have a post coming out in a couple weeks that addresses your question spot on. Please look for it. Also, you can find a good episode called “curveballs” in my Flowdreaming podcast on iTunes. The “why do we suffer’ question is one that I think about a lot, and fortunately the answers keep changing and evolving. xox
Wow – you could not have hit closer to home if you tried – but I am still not getting it somehow Summer. I left a corporate position, started my own business and now am back to corporate life. Not out of want but out of financial need. I ask the universe every day to explain what lesson I am supposed to learn from all this – how am I back in a world that causes me insomnia, hives, psoriasis and stomach problems again. I know in my being that this is not the place for me but I am trying to understand how I ended up being here again! What is the lesson. I understand the world is not fair but sometimes I just feel like – could I get a little break here!
Cathy, I’m wondering if you can still work on your business while you are in your corporate job? That way, you might be able to shift your perspective about your corporate job to more of a “This job is allowing me to pursue my dream, my own business.” rather than, “Darn it, I’m back in this place again.”
I think if you allow yourself to *know* the corporate job is simply a way to financially support you while you get your business going rather than a place you’re stuck in with no hope, it might alleviate some of your physical symptoms too. Worth a shot?
Sending you positive wishes!
Hello Cathy. I hear you! I think we are on the same boat.
I guess you are where you are cos you needed another reminder to get out of where you are. Have you read Wallace Wattles´ book The Science of Getting Rich? In it he says that in order to get into a better place, you need to do your best wth what you presently have. You need to visualize your desire and keep your focus there but at the same time be thankful for your present circumstances and perform each task that comes on your way, the best way you can.
This way, he says, you will get where you want.
I recently started my own business and am not making any money. I wake up at nights and cannot help worrying even though I am a meditation teacher and should not worry! But I do. Cos I am a human. But deep in my soul I know that I am going to right direction, even if there are some bumps on the way. And I am sure you are going into the right direction as well because seems like you know what you really want to do. So many people out there have no idea of what they really want in this life.
I have learned that the Universe never gives us breaks. It does not pity us. Probably because it knows we dont need pity. We need faith. And we need what the Greek call Kefi. Joy, happiness, mojo, bliss. And thats something we just need to find ourselves, no matter what is happening around us.
So I am a fellow struggler but I want you to hang in there cos it will be all good. It will be cos it must be. Nothing else makes sense 🙂
Hugs from FInland,
-kati
What a relief to release the ‘fair/unfair’ game! Your thoughts and experiences make sense to me in light of my current work situation. I have played quite a role in that making my life crazy and bringing frustration into my precious time. Thank you for your frank discussion of endpoints and what a difference they make in one’s thought processes and action steps. THANK YOU! You are amazing in oh so many ways and an inspiration for those who are diagnosed with cancer (or any other life changing situation) who are trying to make sense of it all. You have opened my eyes.
Thank you for the insights, Summer!
Yes, I agree – fairness, the way we perceive it, is not what life is all about. I have lived in poor countries and seen babies die of curable deseases. I have seen good people experiencing bad things and bad people experiencing good things. No, life is not fair.
The way you describe Flow really resonates with me. Life is not fair – it is a flow. And I am mostly okay with it.
But sometimes I am not. For some years now, since my marriage broke down, I have been wanting a partner, to grow together with. I have tried everything, even Flowdreaming, to manifest him. Instead of attracting the One, I seem to have become a man repellant. I am not kidding you. I just closed my OkCupid and Tinder accounts because I get no matches. I am invisible. And I am not even fat!
I understand that the Flow of Life has its own schedule and I respect that. But there are times one is about to lose one´s cool when things have gone to wrong direction for a long period of time. I think it is very human.
I know my problem is impatience. The other problem is wanting. One should be patient. One should not only have desires but also get detached from the desires. But how hard is that!
I´d love to get into the new paradigm!!!! I´d love to restore my faith!! If only the good Universe gave me a little sign that I am on a right track.
I wonder if I am the only one struggling with this kind of issue!
Anyway, I want to thank you again, Summer. You are such an inspiration. The cancer will go away very soon, never to come back. I am sure of it. In the meantime, take care. I send you lots of love, all the way from Finland <3
I was just thinking about this today, how I’m quiet and considerate, but those who are not are disrupting my peace and quiet, ability to get adequate healthful rest and enjoy serenity in my home. (Neighbor guns engine between 5:30 and 8:00 every morning and also periodically through the day until late at night). I tried asking nicely, then asked the police to enforce the noise ordinance, but nothing is getting it to stop. I’m left with a choice is to move or find a way to sleep through it or not be bothered by it. Still working on that – it jars me awake. I tend to be awake until at least midnight which is about when they stop doing that anyway, but they start again a few hours later. I take care of stray cats who would suffer if I were to move, and it would be difficult to find another place where I could have so many pets, so that’s my priority over adequate peace and quiet. Still, wish I could have both my pets and peace and quiet in this present location.
Jean, I’m wondering if you approached your neighbor with something pleasant if that would make a difference. For example, if you notice he’s actually working on his car (is that why he’s gunning it all the time?) and it’s super hot, how about bringing him over some lemonade or ice tea?
“I couldn’t help but notice you’ve been out here for a while and it’s awful hot. Thought you could use this. What are you working on? What are you trying to fix?”
Actually strike up a conversation without bringing up the noise issue. Short, sweet and have a good day! Do that a few times. 1) You might find out there’s a legitimate reason for the noise 2) You might make a new friend or at least a friendlier neighbor, 3) Your kindness may provoke in him some kindness when you do bring up the noise issue in a non-harsh manner. He may then choose to be more considerate.
I believe Wayne Dyer told a story (in the past month?) on his show about a similar situation he had. All it took was him walking up to the guy and starting a conversation, genuinely interested in what he was doing and why. When Dr. Dyer mentioned that the noise was a bit distracting because he was writing, the man immediately told his group to keep it down a bit. So, it worked!
Just a thought. Good luck!
I did try to ask nicely in the beginning, but they denied it was them doing it. I even tried to start a mechanics’ co-op where all the neighborhood would have access to more tools and expertise outside of the residential area where sound travels. It is possible its’ someone else who only works early in the morning and late at night, when it’s dark so I don’t go out to look around, safety issues would prevent me from doing that. That’s why I asked the police to enforce the ordinance, because they also would be able to trespass into others’ yards to discover who is doing it. I don’t think anyone has a legitimate reason to create that kind of noise and pollution in an area where other people are living and breathing, so part of the problem is I’m dealing with my own anger, which may be legitimate, but I just don’t like being in that state.
One thing I do know is it’s one individual within a half-mile radius. There have been times where they were gone and the neighborhood was quiet late and night and in the early morning and it felt like heaven here. But they always come back and continue, and now it’s going on 6 years of 4 or 5 hours of sleep at night and my dog getting sick (he didn’t get sick once while they were gone). I’ve thought about leaving, but I’m taking care of a group of feral cats plus have the ability to have pets here and it likely would be difficult elsewhere. I’ve tried praying that they would get a job offer from the Indy 500 and move there!
Jean, You say you’ve been dealing with this for 6 years? Then my question to you is this: Is it worth your health/wellbeing and your dog’s health to stay where you are? I think your dog is reflecting your emotions and possibly your own health.
The feral cats will manage without you, to be sure. They have other neighbors they visit and/or know to visit, so I wouldn’t worry about them. And, finding a home where they allow pets isn’t very difficult. Do you know how many millions of people have pets and rent or buy a home successfully every day? I think that’s a non-issue.
So, my next set of questions for you is this: What scares you about moving? What frightens you about change? Are you willing to “hold out” until this neighbor moves or passes away? And, are you holding onto a place, an area for fear of change or just to be proven “right”? Or refusing to move because “Damn it, I was here first!” or “He’s not going to run me out!”
This situation could be a learning experience for a variety of reasons: letting go of what you cannot control, accepting the noise (earplugs, white noise box, etc. do wonders), or this situation is trying to push you to move to someplace better for both yourself and your dog/animals.
How many more years are you going to make yourself suffer? How bad does your health/wellbeing and your dog’s health have to get before you ‘get the message’?
Personally, I’m rooting for you to be open to finding an even better place to live that allows pets in an even better neighborhood with wonderful, considerate neighbors and where you and your pet(s) will be happy, healthy, and thrive! Write a list of everything you want in a neighborhood and in a house/home, carry it with you, add to it, visualize it and see what happens! ; ) I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised. Sending you lots of positive wishes.
Thanks, Lisa. Visualizing actually got me out of my last place, which was worse, into this one. I wanted a place where I had more room, a house instead of an apartment with no walls connected to a neighbor’s and my own yard where I could plant a garden. I found this place for the same monthly rent as I was paying, plus it was away from any busy roads, like a little town in the country. I can hear cows sometimes from my front porch, yet walk to the store. Then this problem cropped up. At the last place, things were fine for about five years and then a coke dealer moved into the apartment next to mine and it felt unsafe there. Here at least the crime level is very low, which is why I don’t understand why the police haven’t taken care of this. There isn’t much else happening here from a law enforcement standpoint. I will have to move in about five years or come up with the money to buy this place since the landlord will likely be selling it then. I was hoping not to have to move again. I really don’t have the energy or money to do it right now.