Honestly I’ve started and stopped writing this email at least three times. Not only have I not written anything to you in several months (aside from my newsletter last week), but now that I am, it’s incredibly hard to get my thoughts focused.
It’s that “I don’t know where to begin” paralysis.
So how about this: right now, my daughter Lexi is sitting on the bed with me eating chocolate covered strawberries. I’m laying down with bloody drains coming out of my side, trying to take as little pain medication as possible. I just had a mastectomy.
Every day this week, my friends have been bringing my family meals. It’s only the fifth day after surgery and already my refrigerator is stuffed full. My bestie Jen sent the chocolate strawberries. I have bouquets of flowers surrounding my bed and heaps of cards on my table.
And part of me wants to text everyone and tell them to stop sending things and bringing food, because I’m fine goddamit, and then another part of me reminds me that I still need help just putting my clothes on, or brushing my hair.
I know this might be a surprise. People who live a “straight and narrow holy life” aren’t supposed to get things like cancer, are they?
I remember feeling the same way when Wayne Dyer, my radio cohost for many years, got leukemia. And when Debbie Ford, another friend, got cancer. And when Jerry Hicks got cancer.
It doesn’t make sense. Yet of course it does make sense, if we only had the wherewithal to know what was really going on Upstairs.
Nevertheless, I’m going to save the “why I manifested cancer” epistle for another post, because instead I need to explore something more immediate that’s popped up that I’m struggling to understand in terms of Flow, which is how to receive.
Yep, that old bad boy, coming around for yet another round.
What an irony, I think, that I’ve practiced the art of Flowdreaming and manifesting to where I create some truly dazzling things, but even so, here I am rubbing up again against that same ceiling.
You know how I found it this time?
I found it in my urge to tell my friends to stop bringing my family meals.
In the feeling of guilt that comes up when I think to myself that my friends sure treat me better than I treat them.
When I think to myself that I have so many people who care about me, and how little I hardly ever go out of my way for them in return.
It makes me think about everyone I know who’s had surgery too, and I didn’t sign up to bring their family dinners or send them flowers. All I can focus on is how selfish I’ve been in my friendships.
And then, too, I think about all the lovely emails and thank you gifts I receive from strangers who tell me I helped them think differently, see their lives differently, take their power back, wake up to Flow, and totally change their lives.
I think how in the past, I’ve taken pleasure in their gratitude for about five minutes, then let it drop from my thinking. After all, it’s hard to really receive that. What if I become an egomaniac? “Better to not receive it than risk becoming a complete ass.”
(By the way, I’m changing this! Every email, letter, or gift is now my opportunity to practice receiving from you. So thank you!)
I know this sounds like crazy talk. But all of our ceilings sound like crazy talk to someone who doesn’t share them.
Instead of ruminating on how much I actually do for people, both strangers and friends, this emotional ceiling of mine makes me focus on how much I don’t do, how not good enough I am, even when I do as much as I humanly can.
Do you see what we’re getting at here?
A giant “I’m not good enough” sub-routine that’s been playing in my system for god knows how long has reared up…again.
I can’t savor these chocolate strawberries as I eat them, because I feel guilty and bad that my friend brought them.
I manifested a beautiful circle of people around me, but I can’t let them give to me.
I wonder where else this same subroutine is playing out in my life, in Flow, and in what I’m trying to manifest and create?
Where else do I create, but feel unworthy to receive the full extent of what I’ve made?
This is right at the heart of the dilemma so many of us are in.
We work so hard to create, flow, receive, manifest abundance…and then when it arrives, the other hidden script pops up and says, “Nope. You don’t deserve this. Don’t you feel like you’re inconveniencing these people….
“Don’t you feel like you’re taking more than you give?
“Don’t you feel like you charged too much?
“Don’t you feel like they could do better elsewhere than with you?
“Don’t you feel like you shouldn’t need to ask for help with this?
“Don’t you think you’re taking advantage of your situation?”
Or a million other ideas pop up.
I’m having to do some massive revisioning of my thinking. I’m having to consciously accept that I must be good friend. I musthave been worthy and helpful. Or I wouldn’t have this circle of amazing men and women around me.
They are proving it to me by simply being here.
I need to move past this ceiling, and I created the opportunity to do so.
I have to be able to receive the bounty and nurturing they want to give to me.
Because if I don’t eat these strawberries, and warm up these dinners for my family, how else can they feel the pleasure of giving, and helping, and nurturing? Isn’t it selfish of me to only and always be the giver, never the receiver?
So in the first of many new understandings to come my way, I am going to become a wonderful receiver.
And every time I feel guilty for receiving, I’m going to remind myself that that receiving is giving, in a way. I’m giving someone pleasure, and a feeling of meaning, and joy at helping.
I’m going to watch the other areas of my life where this energy pops up, too.
A ceiling like this usually meanders throughout everythi