A good friend of mine had to shake me out of my gloom yesterday. “Rejection is a good thing,” he told me. “It means you’re still putting yourself out there. You’re still in the game. You stop being rejected, then you’re in the bleachers, not on the bench.”
You can guess what kind of “go leap off a cliff” look I gave him. When you’re blue, it’s hard to hear any kind of pick-me-up talk, even from people who care about you.
You see, I’ve been feeling passed over a lot lately, like the dish at the picnic that no one tries. The kid not picked for the team, while all her buddies pick each other. The girl waiting to be asked to the dance, while all her best guy friends ask someone else. Rejection is an experience that comes early and the sting stays, no matter how old we get. Psychology Today has a good article that explains why it’s necessary that we carry around such deep emotional responses to rejection.
As professionals and adults, we still encounter it when we’re passed over for a job, or when the person we’re dating kindly lets us know that we’re not “clicking,” or when the bank rejects your loan application, or in any of a myriad of other situations. “What’s wrong with me?” we ask ourselves.
What does the Flow tell us about this? Why are we overlooked, or snubbed, or passed by or not chosen? Let’s take a moment to acknowledge our feelings, first:
To begin with, we have the emotional response. This is the pout, the hurt feelings, the ego that says, “But why not me? Am I not [insert any word here: ‘good enough,’ ‘talented enough,’ ‘smart enough,’ etc.].” The emotional response is based on biology, and it’s actually necessary for our survival. But we don’t have to let it dominate.
This is where the intellectual response comes in, as we try to rationalize the rejection: “Maybe I just wasn’t exactly what they were looking for. Who knows what criteria they really have. Maybe the fit really wouldn’t have been right.”
But finally, there’s the Flow response, and this is where you involve trust. It’s true, trust is hard to come by on the heels of hurt and disappointment, but if you steer your thoughts back to your Flow, you can release both the emotional and intellectual responses, and feel peace again.
When you’re rejected, your Flow is saying: “Listen up! You wanted a great fit, right? You wanted happiness, satisfaction, fulfillment, expression and reward from this thing on your list, right? Well I’m telling you is that this path wasn’t it. You thought it was, but you need to consider whomever or whatever it was that rejected you as a cog in the machine, spinning you into a different direction–one that’s better for you. You can’t see it yet, but someday you will. Trust me.”
Think about this for a moment: What areas of your life right now are flowing freely, where you’re experiencing very little rejection? And now, in which areas are you encountering rejection?
You see, some areas are wide open for you now. Think of a toll road: these are your fast track lanes. If you want to get stuff done, drive there. Those areas may not always be on “fast track.” Take up the opportunity while you can, instead of looking at those lanes where you’re stuck behind the slow moving trucks while the other drivers are honking at you and making rude gestures.
We often take for granted the lanes that move for us, particularly if they’re a lifelong. Maybe you’ve always had an easy time in your career, but never with love. Or vice versa. And so we dwell on what we don’t have, rather than on what we do. The obsession to fix the “delayed” or “dysfunctional” or “non-flowing” areas can become overwhelming.
But, Flow thinking says, “Trust.” Just let go and trust for awhile. Trust isn’t for wimps. It’s one of the very hardest things to do. So allow the areas where the rejection is roiling to settle and cool. Then return, and begin feeling around the area again. Things are always changing; people, jobs, health, everything. So release it, trust, and return to the game. Consider your time spent on other activities the equivalent of time at the batting cages, warming up. Rejection, as my friend says, means you’re still in the game. At some point, you will be chosen.
Dear Summer
(Hello from across the pond in Spain!)
What a fantastic article.I think what made your article strike a chord with me was that most of us have grown up with the belief the rejection equals, (or is the same as) failure. And your article really sets out how that really isn’t the case. Without these moments of rejection we will lose a lot of important life lessons. I know some of my most important lessons have come during these “down times”, but you never learn the lesson until a little later when your perspective/attitude allows you to see the situation with fresh eyes.
Thank you for such a comforting post.
Oh, Summer! How I feel for you!
You are so absolutely right, that the best thing will come in IT’S OWN TIME, but it is so hard to be patient, and trust. I have (with the benefit of HINDSIGHT!) many, many experiences that demonstrate this very concept, that Flow, or God, or whomever, really does want the best for us, but it sure is hard to remember that when the bluebird of happiness is metaphorically pooping all over you!
And here’s the thing: I still feel like a little kid sometimes, who logically “knows” that is only temporary, but “forgets” to be patient and trusting that is right around the corner. Every time, I have to remind myself not to panic or to put some breaks on my depression, and yet, every time, the good stuff does come.
But it’s hard to be a cheerleader for all of us when you are sad, so I just wanted you to know how much your words (via podcasts and CDs) have completely changed my life, and my outlook on it. I just discovered you a few months ago, and although it might not be exactly what you are wanting right now, I do have to say “thank you” for impacting my life with your spirit. I hope you can feel the *hug* I am sending you, while you wait for your something wonderful. 🙂
Hi Summer,
I just had to write you about this blog entry because I’ve come to the same conclusion in my own life recently. I’m feeling ‘stuck’ in a job I concluded a few months ago was just not right for me, partly due to the fact that I don’t feel in synch with my coworkers.
Part of me feels upset and rejected about this because this is a new experience for me, but a few months ago I was thinking about gratitude and realized that I need to feel grateful for this experience because it’s due to this lack of chemistry that I started to search for a new path in my life.
While I haven’t made the change I want yet, I am working on a new path that I’m both nervous and excited about. So yes, I agree completely with what you’re saying. Thank you for this timely comment.