What is it that makes us think we can change people? How many times have you found yourself wishing that your romantic partner would do something you wanted, or not do something, or somehow meet your needs by changing somehow? How often have you wished the same about a parent, or sibling, or child? “If they’d just do this, or give me that, or stop doing this…”
A cardinal rule of Flowdreaming is that you are a magnificently powerful being…but your power extends only to YOU and YOUR OWN LIFE. Anyone else…well they’re also incredibly powerful…in their own life.
As long as you stick with manifesting for yourself, you’re going to prosper. Once you start trying to change someone else, you’re going to hit walls. Why?
As beings made of energy and information, we’re constantly creating our futures through every thought and feeling, action, and re-sponse or pre-sponse that ripples through us. Everything we do or feel today moves forward and out in our energy like the ripples around a rock tossed in a pond – little fingers that shape our tomorrow. Each one of us is made of moving energy, “swimming” forward, showering the future with our current trajectory, and that’s precisely why we can so powerfully influence the course of our lives at an energetic level.
Now, if you try to change, control, or influence someone else’s life, you’re going to run into all their feelings, actions, responses, beliefs, etc. that are pushing them forward. And oh my, that’s a lot of energy! And no matter what you do, try, say, or cajole, you cannot force that person to do something or see something they don’t want to see, or do, or tackle.
Every person is a king in their own land. You know this already, because I bet you’ve tried at one time or another to make someone do something or behave a certain way, and what you discovered was that even if they tried, it still wasn’t exactly how YOU would have done it, or whatever occurred didn’t last, or it didn’t turn out like you’d expected. Or, perhaps they didn’t even try – and you suffered and were upset that they wouldn’t “listen.” You might have even said to them, “You just don’t care about me.”
Caring or love has nothing to do with it, unfortunately. Even our own children, with whom we are guides and teachers, will ultimately behave how they want, no matter how much we try to force them or push them into certain actions or decisions. We can influence them, but we can’t change them any more than you can decide the color of a rose that blooms. You can feed the rose, water it, and give it sun, but it will bloom into whatever beauty is within it, within the positive or negative environment you give it.
Knowing this, and also knowing that my tendency is to want to change people, I have to periodically check in with myself and ask if I’m unhappy because I’m trying to change someone else. And surprisingly, I often am trying. The desire has crept in insidiously. Whenever I’m feeling upset or disappointed, or when I feel I’ve been “waiting for something to happen” or change that depends on another person’s actions, there’s a good chance that I’ve started trying to get someone to change. And this someone can be as intimate as my husband, or as removed as a colleague that I’m hoping will help me. My frustration is the indicator that all my wonderful manifesting energy has been pouring into a broken vessel of someone else – and I need to take it back and start thinking about me again.
Here’s an example:
Last week, I was feeling depressed by a friendship. Every time I suggest a way for my friend to change her life for the better, she shuts it down and tells me “I don’t understand” and “it’s impossible.” Or worse, she agrees with me, then does absolutely nothing about it. For me, it means I hardly ever get to see my friend or spend time with her. This frustrates me. But, I don’t give up: She’s my friend and we’ll figure something out, right?
Wrong. She’s my friend, but she’s the keeper of her own castle. If she’s blind, she’ll only open her eyes when she’s ready. And that is that. So my choice is either to pull my power back, or continue to leak it out in my ineffectual desire to change her, or help her change.
So when I choose to pull my power back and leave her to her own devices, I’m not being callous or unloving. If anything, I’m loving myself more and giving her room to explore the dead-end she’s in until she’s fully satisfied with the experience of her rut. (Yes, odd as it sounds, like a patron at a fancy banquet, no matter how crazy or irrational it seems to outsiders, she needs to reach full satisfaction with her misery before she’ll change it.)
The first thing I do to take my power back is to ask myself, “Did she actually ask for my help?” (No). “Does she truly feel motivated to try something new and courageous?” (No.) Now I can face up to an idea: maybe it’s ME who is wanting something that she doesn’t see a way to give. I want my friendship and intimacy with her, but I may have to adjust my desires instead.
This is where manifesting becomes powerful, because it asks, “How do I adjust so that I’m not allowing my life and energy to be drained and disappointed by this relationship?” By asking this of myself, I’m no longer at my friend’s mercy, waiting for her to change: I am the one who will adjust my needs and desires. Flowdreaming is a potent ally in this process: Instead of Fowdreaming to try to make her see how her behavior is always negating our friendship, or Flowdreaming to pull her back into my life (both are examples of me trying to run her castle) instead I Flowdream that my need for close, intimate friends, in general, is being constantly fulfilled.
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Helpful Flowdreams for Detaching and Feeling Good Again
Remove Obstacles and Resolve “Irresolvable” Situations
I Have So Many Good, Close Friends
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I Flowdream that I have people in my life who swirl me forward and inspire me, instead of it always being the other way around. I Flowdream that my friends are always available to share time with me, and enjoy good experiences with my family. I let go of my particular desires that I’ve loaded on this friend, and I ask my Flow to give me so much inner fulfillment in my personal relationships, with whichever friends are ready to give it, that I no longer burden this particular one with requests she can’t fulfill. My Flow, in return, starts offering up this to me as new people come into my life, and new friendships start to coalesce, and I discover that there really are people whom I like just as they are or who can even show me a thing or two about friendship.
Flow makes all this possible. I just have to take my power back by taking my “I need you to change” energy back. What is hard, though, is releasing my hopes and expectations. I don’t want my friend to drift away. I don’t want to see her get mired in her life, and no longer be the shining light I know she is. I want to be able to confide in her, but I can’t if she’s not a flexible, supportive, willing presence in my life. And that is where I need to pluck up my courage to say, “So be it.”
I end the process of letting go by feeling, in my Flow, that our relationship is divinely guided. I feel how she’s being guided to see whatever she needs to see, by whatever means her Flow sees best. I feel how our connection is still strong and open secure, and even though I may not be getting from the friendship what I need right now, we might again be close someday. I let our Flow move us both toward the people and experiences that nurture us and support us.
This example is not just limited to just friendships, by the way. I could be talking about a spouse, or a child, parent, or soon-to-be-ex-romantic partner. The principle is the same. You probably have a person in your life with whom you feel this way, too.
I know, it can sound a bit sad, but look deeper and what you see is a very positive willingness to face where you’re at in a courageous and hopeful way. Manifesting means accepting the now fully and clearly, so you can make even better, more effective decisions about creating a fulfilling future. When you can see things clearly like this every day, day after day, the “now” becomes better and better, and even things like friendships, or the need to change someone, become fluid and flexible, and move through your life with much less agony and much more faith.
Changing my friend is no longer an option. She may not realize it yet, but now she can explore whatever place she’s in without the additional burden of me haranguing her. And, I feel better, knowing that there will probably come a point when we again become close, after she reaches her own realizations in whatever way she chooses to do so. But in the meantime, I am very happy with whatever new intimacies Flow brings me.
Flow always works to offer the best to everyone – there are no losers in the land of spirit. We just have to trust, and allow, and have the courage to move on. May you Flow with joy and release, now and always.
To Alex D~
Please make an appt with your school guidance counselor for help in setting goals. You deserve to be able to discuss your future with an adult.
ALEX
I don’t know how old you are but I want to tell you just to leave this situation as soon as you humanly can. if you need money, take any job you can to get out of there. even if you feel responsible or want to take care of yourr siblings, just go. move somewhere and be more healthy. your parents have no incentive to change, you take their shit by talking back and staying in their presence. leave them. be polite, be kind but say this situation isn’t for you right now. cut off from them if you have to. become financially independent any way you can. move in with friends. start your career. let them know in no uncertain terms if they do not treat you respectfully you will have no relationship with them.
I thought the article was great.
But, I was so taken by the comments above by Alex. I am a mom and I have kids younger than you.
To be frank, it sounds like your parents are the children and you are the adult. I am sorry for what you are going through. It sounds like a similar situation to the family in which my husband grew up. As Summer said, you cannot change your parents, but this does not have to be your future. Dont let them limit you.
In short, I just want to encourage you to take classes at a community college. They are much cheaper than universities and often the profs are much better bc they don’t care about “publishing” but rather, more about teaching. Also, the local community college can help you apply for loans. You can attend part time while you work.
You sound like such a wise young man. Know that when you get older and have your own family, you will know how NOT to talk to your kids. You can really make something of yourself and have a great family of your own where there will be lots of love and mutual respect, and laughter. 🙂
Awesome, Summer. I really love and resonate with this 😀 I love the solutions you offered 😀
I speak and write about this subject very often, going from being the most popular, sought after kid in school to an almost peerless (for a time), entrepreneur.
This came about because I had to be willing to let go of people who were not ready to fulfill my requests, as you said.
I even designed some illustrations for it (they don’t capture the ‘unlimited’ energy of humanity, but I think they get the point across.)
I’ll share them if you’re interested 😀
Once I statred focusing on myself and letting my anger go towards people a situations and all that thwy won’t let me stuff. I have to say it has made a big difference in my life not saying its all gone but I know I need to flowdream about what I want and need and love everyone else.
after getting off the phone with my step father of 15 years (I am 17 a senior in high school) I googled “my parents want me to change but refuse to make any changes themselves” which brought me here. Reading this article gave me a different lookout on my life. althought.. it’s hard to have a positive outlook, looking at the situation I’m in, which I’ll try to explain soon).
I believe that I have some bad parenting parents, and of course everyone says the same thing. I’m definitely not saying I have the worst parents in the world because thats not even remotely close being true lol. My parents make it extremely hard for me to just live there and be a respectful kid.
they talk to me and my sibs in the nastiest tones, bitchy attitudes, make constant demands and have said they refused to make any changes themselves. they want me to be respectful and do what they say without any lip or any talkback or whatever but how?? how can I be nice and not get ma at people that treat me like shit. i very often tell them “if you just asked me in a normal tone, I wouldn’t even have any room to talkback or say anything.” for instance, my mom came into the pc room where I was, and starts saying “unmm you wanna walk your lazy ass downstairs and get your clothes from the basement” my typical response is “is that really necessary?? if you could just ask me at least semi politely like ‘hey alex can you go get your clothes from the basement please?’ if I was asked politely I wouldnt be able to respond with disrespectful words or anything. but what my parents say to this is “I don’t have to do shit… I’m a adult” I always ask “well what’s wrong with being a nice and polite?” it’s stubborn, selfish, and it’s ruining my life.
while I was on the phone with my stepdad I was telling him that I’m all hands in ready to make changes if he makes the changes with me. and he still says “I’m an adult, I don’t have to”. I told him this is a team effort we all need to work together especially my mom (she is the worst of the two) and he denies. he said I need to be a leader and do it myself. I told him “youre the man of the house, the one who’s in charge an you want me to lead the family??? that’s your job. I’m not asking you to do anything for me I just want us all to be happy here.” and still he refuses to even TRY and that frustrates me beyond belief. he said that once I leave (when I turn 18 in a months and get kicked out) that everyone’s problems will vanish.
my sister explained the other day when he said he didnt care about me. in the middle of our argument i brought it up to ask if it were true.. he said yes…
my parents are always yelling or demanding things from us…always. they never can just talk to me about anything. I want to be a music producer, I love making music its something im pretty good at so far and it’s something I love to do and is exactly why I want to pursue a career as a producer. my parents are not supportive in the least bit. I was on the pc making music for hours and my mom said later that same day, “did you even get any work done at all while your slapdicking around with your stupid music shit..” it hurt. but at the same time I was furious. are parents supposed to act like this!?? it’s NOT normal. when I said “it would be nice to get some support from my parents.. this is my future basically and you call it slapdicking around??” she responded saying, “support you how.. im not gonna hold your hand and feed you like a 2 year old”
I always answer back saying, im not asking you to do anything FOR me.. can’t we at least sit down and talk about stuff that’s really important (like college and my future etc. Im not asking you to do it all for me and I’m not asking for money or anything, I just want to talk about it, maybe set goals and stuff. whats wrong with that??? this is where my mom stops yelling and ignores me.
my family is middle class, mom got fired for never going to work. they said theyre not helping me pay for college, a car, insurance.. nothing.
Id be lying of I said I wasn’t worried about my future. if my parents aren’t helping me bounce ideas and refuse to work with me thru the college process then who will??? how am I going to get into anywhere with 0 dollars being offered up from my parents. I have a job but I don’t have grands in the bank (I wish lol). I feel like their setting me up to fail in life. I don’t know how to handle this situation. its sooo much stress.
if I give up trying to control my parents being like this, how do I stay cool and when I’m still living with people talk trash about me to my siblings and everyone else.
there’s a lot more could say.. but I need help forreal
I have that same issue when I’m directing all my energy to change someone who isn’t ready, particularly this one person. So I have started to allow this person to come to me for help and advice instead of offering it up to her when she’s not ready for it. It’s a much better relationship for both of us now.
As women I feel we always want to help other women become their best. But sometimes the women we are trying to help are not ready to grow or make progress in their life.
I’ve found that I am much happier with this approach.
Excellent article! It’s got me thinking about some of my own relationships that I will need to re-evaluate my thoughts about. I know I’m guilty of trying to change my loved ones too.
One thing that troubles me though, is that you seem to be of the opinion that if we can’t change someone, that ultimately we will end up having to let them go. I don’t think that’s necessarily the case. If we can think about the other person with love and hold a vision of them as healthy and successful and all that, perhaps just releasing the need to think about them according to our own needs and desires will be enough to allow us to stay with them comfortably? In other words, if we change our own thoughts, we won’t need for them to change anymore. Of course, that is likely to be a lot harder to do than to say! But it may be worth a try for those we truly want to keep in our lives.