What I should be doing and what I am doing right now are totally different. Right now I’m sitting in an airport hotel in Los Angeles, alone in a huge suite, surfing Amazon for ceramic travel mugs, when I know what I should be doing is hobnobbing downstairs with some of the bigwigs I came here to learn from and hobnob with.
In fact, I’m going to walk outside my room right now, hang off the balcony and snap a pic, and show you just what I’m missing in fancy-hotel-bigwig land.
There, I did it. I’m sticking it at the top of this post.
And now I’m sitting down again and getting into the core of this lack thinking I’m in.
I’ve only realized what a state I’ve gotten myself in because it’s dawned on me that I’m still sitting on the couch in my high platform shoes and conference outfit (you know the look) and it’s been an hour since I came back to my suite. Apparently, some part of me thinks I’m still going back out to Hobnob and Make Great Deals and Connections. And this part of me is also screaming how I suck because I’m such a bad networker that I’d rather be in my room alone searching for travel mugs.
Isn’t this a familiar feeling? “What I should do” vs. “What I am doing.” And the well of guilt and insecurity that lies in between. The well of lack thinking that tells me ”¦ ”Oh Summer, if you’d just put on your big girl pants you wouldn’t miss this opportunity.”
I know we all have this going on inside us. The “what I should do” and “what I am doing” dialog, and how much we suck because we aren’t doing what we should do. We have a big long list of what we should be doing.
And this is when I hear myself in my own ears: “Be gentle with yourself, Summer.”
Be gentle with yourself.
It’s a phrase I use more regularly, more often. It means that while we know what our (high) expectations are for ourselves, we can afford to put Skinny Love on the radio, take off our platform shoes, and eat hotel snacks and drink wine when we should be Cultivating a Great Network instead.
Lack thinking will always push me to see what I don’t have, what I’m missing, what I’m doing wrong, what’s not good enough, and what might happen if I don’t “insert thing-you-should-do-here”.
And then the other force weighs on me: “You’re right where you need to be. Stay in this. Stay in your body. Listen to yourself. You aren’t desperate. You’re fine. In fact, you’re amazing. Be in Flow. Stop forcing the issue. Stop forcing yourself.”
And I guess that’s the part that wins tonight: I get to be gentle with myself. I get to trust that another few spins of the Earth will yield another set of good opportunities. This conference tonight isn’t the only fish in the lake, and I can afford to wait for the next.
I know we all suffer the same indecision, the same regret, the same “what if.” Some of us punish ourselves with this go-get-every-scrap insanity until we wear ourselves to a brittle nub. And others of us never venture out, never extend, never risk, and rub ourselves raw with regret and self-anger.
How do you find the gorgeous center? That’s where I want to be. Right there where I can chill out alone on a Monday night in an LA Airport hotel room, knowing that I’m in total balance – I mean, maybe tomorrow I’ll make that connection that’ll yield me my next Big Thing, or maybe I made that connection last week, or even last month. Flow is giving to me and guiding me, and being patient with me when I need to sit out an inning.
Being in a state of Flow means being in a state of trust.
It’s a learned skill. You have to cultivate it.
I’m trusting that I can afford to relax, that if Flow offers me something once, it’ll probably offer it again, because I don’t believe in a stingy God or a stingy universe. I believe in an abundant one.
On the other hand, lack thinking is like a loyal dog that walks with you everywhere you go, until you firmly tell it to “Stay.” Let’s not be afraid to tell it to stay, ok?
My shoes are now off, I’m eating popcorn from the snack bar and about to jump into a shower where I hope they have enough hot water heaters in this hotel to make it actually hot ”¦ oh snap, isn’t that another lack thought!? This shower’s going to be hot as hell.
Now tell me what lack thought, what insecurity has tripped you up recently so we can reposition YOU into an abundant universe. Don’t be stingy – go ahead and share!
XOX Summer
P.S. The best Flowdreaming playlist to rid yourself of Lack Thinking is the “My Flowing, Easy Life Playlist.” Check it out.[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row]
Oh my… thanks for this post Summer. I had exactly this feeling last night. I felt like the biggest failure around. There I was, getting into a cab back home from an event where I actually wanted to go to enjoy myself, to network, to meet new people, to make connections -and perhaps even meeting that someone I was desiring to meet for so long (countless prayers and discussions with the universe 😉 )- and when things got serious and a really interesting guy invited me for a drink and come up to talk to me – I panicked and just left barely paying attention to the poor guy. I totally screwed up and the guy is probably never going to talk to me again. I acted like the biggest weirdo. I felt so ashamed and disappointed about myself and that I didn’t do what I should have done.
I’m currently enrolled in your M.E. School program as I wished to heal my pain and fear around relationships and men. However, this is the very first time I ever posted something, I did not even engage one single time in the fb group but I resonate so much with your post and feel so greatful that I have read it now (the morning after I beat myself up so badly because I didn’t take the opportunity the Universe provided me with) is just beautiful and perfect timing.
Thanks Summer, I needed to hear that it’s ok to step back and that the universe is abundant and will provide again and again. That I’m forgiven and well cared for.
I had a moment like that last weekend. I had a list of things in my head to get done around my house. I got a couple things on the go and then all of a sudden I would find myself lost in thought and standing there or sitting there in a daze. I had to keep telling myself finish what youve gotten started and the rest will have to wait. Take the time
I’m afraid of financial failure and success. I’m afraid of what others think. I’m tired of struggling, of not having resources. I am kind, giving, creative and resourceful, but wealth eludes me…
Wow – spooky! I was just listening to a lecture by Pema Chodron about being gentle with yourself, and give yourself and whatever you do your FULL ATTENTION. You struck a chord with me today Summer 😊 Glad you shared. Thank you! The universe is definitely trying to tell me something!!
Thank you so much for posting this, Summer. I do this all the time, and I can think of 2 occasions where I did that exact thing. Recently, it is more to do with needing to stop and balance so I can make good, beneficial decisions for my work, financial stability, and relationship and am letting past decisions (relationship situation, job choice) ride while I do what I can to keep taking steps to make changes – but I get exhausted really, and it isn’t even that I’m not motivated to do the things I know to do/want to do to help me step into the next place. I actually crave working on those things that have to do with the consultant work (and the relationship/life satisfaction stuff too). And I am doing it as much as I can. I also took on other jobs to pay bills, and they are requiring much more after hours and nonpaid time than I anticipated so balance is tough. Lately, Ive been criticizing myself for having done that. “Dumb decisions. Why do you always overstretch yourself? Why did you agree to work with them when you knew…….” Yet, I know why. I did it for the extra money and the confidence from the experience of working online with clients. So it is doing exactly what I wanted it to do. It’s just taking up way too much of my time now! (perhaps a clear sign that it is time to go) I’ve also been criticizing myself for not just pushing through – and frequently say things like, living alone, I’d have time to recouperate AND still get this stuff done. Why did I decide to live with someone? – and that stirs up more wasted energy. So I try to breathe, focus on the good and the possibilities that lie ahead – and I trust that those people I’ve been in contact with recently for help in starting a blog and a website will still be there. They know I’m working on it. Trusting that the wellness clinic owners will wait for the rest of my info since they also know that I am working on it. Plus, I remind myself that it is okay to have life stuff happen and then shift back. But OH MAN it is good to read your post this evening!!!!! If my words made sense on this page, I will be amazed. lol. Thank you, Summer, for letting in the light. 🙂
Woke up at 2.30 in middle of night, saw your email about the ceramic mugs and talk of lack
Thought I am not feeling lack at the moment but abundance. Shall I make a coffee ðŸµ. No, will look online at bank balance. Guess what, £1500 tax rebate!! My life is brilliant. All down to Flow. Thank u Summer. My daughter is doing Me School and loving it and her life is on the up. You’ve changed our lives wonderful Summer. Xxx
Isn’t God amazing – how he can work threads throughout our lives in such beautiful ways. One of my themes this year has been “Be Gentle with Yourself”. I have even shared that very statement with 2 young mothers that asked me for advice. My lack thinking struggles are from my upbringing as well as my husbands input – from his upbringing. From 2001-2011 we suffered 11 job losses between us and then lost our oldest son to suicide. Scrambling to make every dime we could find we took every job presented to us (even 3 part time jobs at once) – some good, some not so good – but all brought incredible lessons. The scramble and busyness may have been designed to help us not dwell on losing our boy- i don’t know. What I do know is that I am ever so grateful to have been aligned with Flowdreaming and can not wait to know more. How I would love to sit at your feet, Summer, and drink you in. I knew instantly that I was “home” here. A feeling I have never known before. It is indeed wonderful! with great love and respect –
I am in a relationship with a man who has trust issues. I want to be in his world more. I want him to come home to me. I want to want to spend time at my house more often. I talk with him all the time but can’t get that other stuff that makes a relationship fulfilling and I am lacking the ability to be patient. I want things so badly that I push too hard and turn people off but I can’t stop wanting it. The more I don’t get it the stronger I want it. I don’t know how to stop wanting it. I lack patience in this regard as I see other people gain it so quickly I wonder why everything comes so easily to others and for me it’s a struggle. The more I push towards it the more it goes away from me
Christine, how long have you been dating this man?
Stand in your value and tell him what you need. If he’s a good man, he will provide what you need.
Do you know if he’s dating other women?
I met a man like this – he held all the cards. My advice to you is, if he doesn’t respond well, run, don’t walk, away. He will never hold you in the regard that you deserve.
We like to fix people. Don’t try to fix someone you want to be your partner. He should come to your throne – you are the queen – offering his love, his attention, his protection, and his desire to be with you in every way.
Lisa
Free of Fears
Lisa and Christine, I feel for you both. There’s a hilarious clip on Relationship by Medea. You can Google it on Youtube. It’s so darn direct and funny that it sunk in for me. If I even get a pang of nostalgia, I watch it and my day is brightened by possibilities. Those non-committed guys won’t change and there’s Nothing in it for you. And frankly, they don’t really remember much about you. You’re just a whim and easily replaced (but we know better). I love your message Lisa!
Summer,
Love this post. Yeah…. There are times when I feel like I want to chill and feel guilty that I have so many other things I really should be doing…. Reading this brought a smile to my face
Hi Summer,
I am so thankful that you’ve brought this topic up: lack thinking. I’ve been doing it all my life. I inherited it from my Dad. I realized that; from listening to your podcasts, any decision or thought about most anything stems from my Dad. What will he think? Was it the way he would do it? I’m not good enough? I’m not working at it hard enough? Get my drift! I’ve been in this lack cycle for so long that I don’t know what it looks or feels like to be abundant, wealthy, fill in the blank. I struggle with being in survival mode all the time; waiting for the other shoe to drop because I made a wrong choice. And the funny part is that my grand parents were always abundant, generous, wealthy, hard working! So I also grew up seeing the opposite end of the spectrum. It’s the lack thinking that has had the stronger impact on my life. Thank you for helping me to see the blocks of lack thinking in my life & giving me the tools to create something better for my life!
PS….my husband took me to that hotel in LA to show me the city from the glass elevator! Many a movie has been made there he says!
Hi Summer,
I think there has been a shift in energy for myself. I think when you are in the trenches of working on oneself you have a heightened awareness. I think what comes through is “not enough” “not worthy” if I don’t…even with mindful exercises being on purpose can feel abundant at times and also as if your in the ebbs of not doing, being enough for your higher power and greatest good. I think it’s because you want to make the moment “count”. I personally find myself in a tug-of-war sometimes, actually more often than not. When I feel purposeful or great things are perpetuating I can can be easier with myself. When things feel uncomfortable, icky, or I can’t see in front of me…I tend to be harder on myself and that’s probably when I could use the most kindness and solace.
Hi Jen.
You said this way better than I did. I left out the caring thoughts and went right to the point to finish quickly then relax and be safe in knowing you did well.
Hi Summer. To me it sounds like you want to take your shoes off and relax. Needing time to think about what you’ve seen so far…. yet have an obligation to attend. Why else would you be there. So go 50/50. Take 50 minutes to relax absorb the ambience and pick a focus to go to first. Then spend 50 min. Checking out this first focus. That leaves you 20 min to visit the rest. Now you have accomplished more than anyone there I bet.
Good luckðŸ‘🇨🇦
Hi Summer
I do that to myself all the time. I can work 60 hours in a week and then take a day off to chill and I encounter the battle you describe. I am learning to trust myself and have begun to plan by chill days and that has made it much easier and no guilt trip. Thank you for all your support at giving us ways to stay in flow!
Mike
Oh don’t know if it’s ok to post this here but……I’m trying to learn to think positive about abundance (financially particularly just now) and positivity for a situation that’s around me….I’m also looking at finding some kind of home business but there’s so many scams out there it’s hard to know what is the right way to go….any advice would be great
Hello Summer! (my favorite season)
Thank you for the email- I was just talking to a close friend yesterday about some of this and the conversations I have with myself and mostly about how I believing in speaking in present terms or as if it is now, yet I cant get myself in the habit of thinking this way. I am relatively new to a home based business that relies on my efforts to spread the word about my products and company online and in person and of course building a team and attracting customers. I believe in myself more than ever but I continue to run into every possible obstacle and end up feeling discouraged and lost. I will be investigating Flowdreaming, Thank you for the introduction!
I am scared to death that the new job, Im starting tomorrow, will not bring the finances I’m wanting and that it will be so time consuming that my child care expense will be unaffordable and not practical. This could be a 12 hour a day job, if you include travel time, I might not be talented enough to grow the income to where it needs to be and my child/husband might suffer a terrible fate if I’m not around. That’s what my feeling of lack is telling me right now. So, I will now climb down off of my ledge and re-read your post. 🙂
Yep! Been there! One of the things I’ve been working on in therapy in the past couple months is being gentle with myself… and learning the difference between being gentle/kind and just not taking care of business. One is self-care, the other is self-neglect. I guess when you’re in flow, it’s much clearer to spot the difference.
Thanks so much for sharing this and I look forward to listening to today’s show! Really helpful!
Thank you for writing this. I almost hit delete without looking. But my inner voice said “this is good.” And good it is! I’m a teacher and we have the day off from school because it’s opening day of deer season. So my head is battling between typing up a curriculum map or reading Pam grouts book “Thank and Be Rich.” My flow says read! Thank you!
Thank you for reminding me to be gentle with myself. I’ve been in a lack spiral wondering if I’m good enough as a writer as someone venturing out on a dream. Am I acting “too big for my britches”? What if I am not as good as I think I am? But flow is showing me the way, it’s slowly starting to show me during my transition there will be some negative nellies that will be removed from my life and I will have to trust flow. On the positive side some new energies that are empowering are starting to appear. While learning the ins and outs of this new adventure as a writer I need to remind myself to be gentle with myself…thank you for reminding me of this:)
There was a time when I was on the brink of despair. It was like standing on the edge of the Grand Canyon, but the canyon was not only deep but also dark and I could not see the other side. Yes, I was totally without hope and thought I was done for it. It was a good thing I had professional help. My counselor, a beautiful confident woman said, get rid of all the “wouldas, shouldas and couldas and read Go with the Flow by Mihaly Csikszentmihaly. That was probably the best advise for me at the time. That is what sounds intriguing about the Flowdreaming. I haven’t had a chance to look over the materials yet, but I will. I did go with the flow back then and made it over that chasm. I came out on the other side and there was light. It seemed to emanate from me. I went on to accomplish many things and then I have been resting for a while. Like you said I learned to be gentle with myself. It is OK not to be pushing all the time. At least for me.
Thanks for sharing that! I look forward to reading about how things move and flow for you when you get more familiar with Flowdreaming. I’m just getting back into it after a long hiatus.
Nice shares. Perfect timing in cahoots with my anxiety this morning. I just shared a mini step with family and friends about a play reading I got cast in. I love the supportive responses. Yet, anxiety sets in when some family members minimized my event. I’ve been on a high simply happy to be cast with talented people and when I hear msgs that reduce me down, I go into retreat mode too. But today, I pulled out Nick Ortner’s tapping guide and got rid of those unhelpful comments. Every path you take going in the direction of your growth and expansion is to be honored. If your exploration is authentic to your interests, something will be gained. I’m glad an opportunity came my way and grateful I’m no longer stuck in worthless pursuits.
Yay for gratitude! Congrats on the acting role, too!
Thank you Marie. It’s that simple to honor someone’s risk taking. Thanks!
I love you Summer😘 You are so real! And you are doing exactly what you “should” be doingðŸ‘ðŸ¾
Summer, this is wonderful! Thank you for the ‘gentle’ reminder to let go of ‘shoulds’ and actually be where I am. I’ve been feeling a sense of lack with paying clients for my couples coaching/advising program because I see so many other coaches out there – is my voice that different/unique and just as valuable? After reading this, it’s a resounding ‘YES!’ I am in flow of calling in those clients that want me and doing the right action to put myself out there for them to find me. Thank you!!
Abby.
Always trust your instincts.
Never second guess yourself and the life knowledge you have gained.
My life’s strength to your life strength I humbly send for you. Use it lovingly and wisely. Sweet thoughts!
Thank you for reminding me. I never realized how much fear and anxiety I allowed to control my thoughts. I started working on it two years ago but I continue to be reminded that it takes WORK to undo years of living in a fearful state. I believe God is abundance and bringing healing and FLOW back into my life.
For me it is my lack of self confidence in my ability to manifest great things for myself. Lack of trust in my own knowledge base when comparing to others.
Louise
Yes, dumping “shoulds” on myself all the time is tiring, and generally leaves me feeling less worthy. I think a lot of it is from my masculine energy to perform and produce. If I allow my feminine energy to flow and take care of myself, I will allow the flow state, regain my strength, and find valuable insights.
That there won’t be enough financial abundance to pay my bills on time this month…but since I’ve been doing your “Wealth and Abundance” Flowdream almost every day for the last two weeks, I’ve been getting different forms of abundance in my life and I know the financial part is coming very soon! I’m not even worried about it really… I EXPECT it. Thanks Summer! I plan to purchase more of your awesome Flowdreams!
That I won’t get my loan; I’ll never find true, honest, respectful love again.