Here’s a photo of the ugly black jacket I wore for my boss. When I knew I had to have a meeting with her, I’d wipe off my lipstick in the bathroom, shrug into this shapeless polyester mess, and if I didn’t have enough cat hairs and other fuzzy crud already stuck to its lapels, I’d rumple myself up a little more to look as bad as I possibly could.
Notice how loose this jacket is, and how the sleeves are way too long so I had to cuff them in bunchy rolls. Notice, too, the kids’ snot on the arm. That has been there for years. Wiping it off would’ve defeated the purpose.
I’d be throwing on the jacket, of course, just a few hours after I’d cried at my own bathroom sink before leaving for work, so my face already had a miserable blotchy look going for it. I was ready.
This was a really sucky time in my life.
This is not how normal people prepare for meetings with their bosses. Normal people want to impress their boss, maybe show off how useful they’ve been, call attention to all they got done for the boss, and hope it’s all remembered at raise time.
Not me. My boss wanted me as ugly and unthreatening as possible. She wanted me to look unhappy. I did my best, and it wasn’t so hard to do.
So why did I do this to myself, and try to turn myself into something I’m not, and what does this have to do with the flow of Source energy in our lives?
I’m sharing this with you so you can understand the lack of trust that I, too, have had in my life. I bent myself into a pretzel trying not to provoke someone else’s insecurities – I dimmed my light and told myself it was the right thing and I had to do it.
Whenever I’d put on the black blazer, I was trying to convince myself that my bad situation could work, and I could play the game.
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Best Flowdreams for Staying in Your Power
Release Frustration and Impatience
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I did this because I was afraid. I lacked trust that my Flow (the Universe, Source energy, God or whatever you want to call it) would take care of me and was constantly striving to move me into a better place.
I lacked faith that Source energy wanted me to shine as brightly as I could and drink up ever more marvelous experiences as I explored whatever came next. Worse, I was afraid of what would come next, and that I wouldn’t have any support there.
Eventually, I left the job. And I did walk into the cold gray fog of fear at what might happen next. However, after some reorienting, I discovered that my real problem wasn’t being without work: I was having a crisis of faith. I was sure I’d never have certain things in my life again, and that I’d lost something precious, even if it meant that what I lost included fear, oppression, and inauthenticity. I was afraid that my Flow wouldn’t pull through for me and deliver something as good as or better than where I’d just been.
As it turns out, it did. All my Flow wanted me to do was grow brighter, and it wanted to make sure I did it. It was ME who was clinging on in my cheap black jacket.
It’s been years since I allowed myself to sink to that level. I keep the jacket though, as a reminder. Every time I look at it, I can feel the contrast of then and now.
Today, I never wear jackets like this. I don’t even have a boss. I get to be home with my kids. And my income is higher than it ever was. In short, life is supporting me, and the brighter I grow, the more I support life.
Most importantly, I didn’t just “learn” in my head about having faith in my Flow and Source self. I experienced it. Now I know that “whatever comes next” is halfway dependent on what I wish for and make, and halfway dependent on the benevolent flow of energy through my life that wants to support my full expression of myself – whether at work, in my family life, with my friends – anywhere.
I know that if I want to explore my potential (either in a relationship, work, or any place else!), I need to put myself where I can be exceptional. Keeping myself with a person or in a workplace where I’m forced to be “less than” will never get me there.
Don’t ever dim your light – not for anyone. Nobody wants you to – not Source, not your Higher Self, and not the people who truly love you. The only person who wants it is the person who’s jealous, insecure, or threatened by the way you can shine.
So dress up. Be pretty or handsome. Show off your creativity. Use your intellect. Offer your ideas or opinion, even if they upset someone. Go where you want to go. Graciously accept any bounty that comes your way. Every time you don’t claim what you deserve, you dim your light. Every time you feel you’re offering less than you can give, you dim your light. Every time you keep your mouth shut when you know the right and honest thing to do is open it, you dim your light.
Don’t do it.
Don’t downplay yourself, or try to act other than you are. When you do, you’re giving your power away to whomever it is you want to please. And what did they do to earn that power over you? Probably not much.
You can trust that your authentic self will always be supported. You can trust that your Flow (the Source energy around you) will always have something new and better in the vast array of choices heading your way. You can have faith.
Please remember my jacket. I bet you have something like it yourself.[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row]
Thank you for writing this authentic, insightful, and inspiring piece. It resonated with me because I was in a dark, similar place a few years ago. I would cry most mornings on my way to work, sick with dread about each workday. The stress of the workload and the pressures of meeting unattainable metrics sent me into a tailspin from the moment I walked in my workplace’s door. I had to do some soul searching and take a close look at how I got to that place. My unhappiness stemmed from my perceived notion that I was unable to leave my job because the economy was bad, I had a mortgage, I was a single mother, I didn’t have a college degree, my inability to manage the workload, my poor performance reviews…the list could go on and on. I finally got so low. I made some decisions and set out the intention that happiness was going to be my natural state of being. I took strides to turn my life around – started working out on my lunch breaks, writing out visions of what I’d like my happy self to live, and I created a vision board that encompassed all that makes me happy now and where I’d like to go. I enrolled in a 4 year degree program and graduated a year and a half ago. I began performing better at my job and I fell in love during this time, having a little girl almost two years ago. I performed so well at work that I was selected for a transfer to another department – a place I’ve always wanted to work. I am thriving in this department and all my coworkers comment on how happy I look. It’s not a look, it’s who I am. Through it all, I was flowdreaming, disecting limiting beliefs and manifesting beautiful, happy things. It is so lovely and divine to bear witness to the marriage of me and my Flow energy. I now look at contrast as a helping tool that helps me hone my intuition. It’s been an amazing journey and it was all thanks to that very unhappy moment in my life some five years ago. I would never have known all that I am and all that I could be without going through the fire.
Brave story Summer – thanks for sharing. I most identify with how “experiencing’ the support of the universe seems to be the thing that most helps you to trust it. And it’s my personal discovery that often times you only need to get yourself to a place of ‘hope’ before things start shifting in little but important ways…
Wow, Summer. Envy and jealousy can feel like ugly and powerful foes. It takes guts to stand up to it without it hurting emotionally. Thanks for the reminder that we can be who we truly are and be protected at the same time. Thank God you did not forever hide behind that black jacket.