A cardinal rule of Flowdreaming is that you are a magnificently powerful being….but your power extends only to YOU and YOUR OWN LIFE. Anyone else…well they’re also incredibly powerful…in their own life.

As long as you stick with manifesting for yourself, you’re going to prosper. Once you start trying to change someone else, you’re going to hit walls. Why?

As beings made of energy and information, we’re constantly creating our futures through every thought and feeling, action, and re-sponse or pre-sponse that ripples through us. Everything we do or feel today moves forward and out in our energy like the ripples around a rock tossed in a pond—little fingers that shape our tomorrow. Each one of us is made of moving energy, “swimming” forward, showering the future with our current trajectory, and that’s precisely why we can so powerfully influence the course of our lives at an energetic level.

Now, if you try to change, control, or influence someone else’s life, you’re going to run into all their feelings, actions, responses, beliefs, etc. that are pushing them forward. And oh my, that’s a lot of energy! And no matter what you do, try, say, or cajole, you cannot force that person to do something or see something they don’t want to see, or do, or tackle.

Every person is a king in their own land. You know this already, because I bet you’ve tried at one time or another to make someone do something or behave a certain way, and what you discovered was that even if they tried, it still wasn’t exactly how YOU would have done it, or whatever occurred didn’t last, or it didn’t turn out like you’d expected. Or, perhaps they didn’t even try–and you suffered and were upset that they wouldn’t “listen.” You might have even said to them, “You just don’t care about me.”

Caring or love has nothing to do with it, unfortunately. Even our own children, with whom we are guides and teachers, will ultimately behave how they want, no matter how much we try to force them or push them into certain actions or decisions. We can influence them, but we can’t change them any more than you can decide the color of a rose that blooms. You can feed the rose, water it, and give it sun, but it will bloom into whatever beauty is within it, within the positive or negative environment you give it.

Knowing this, and also knowing that my tendency is to want to change people, I have to periodically check in with myself and ask if I’m unhappy because I’m trying to change someone else. And surprisingly, I often am trying. The desire has crept in insidiously. Whenever I’m feeling upset or disappointed, or when I feel I’ve been “waiting for something to happen” or change that depends on another person’s actions, there’s a good chance that I’ve started trying to get someone to change. And this someone can be as intimate as my husband, or as removed as a colleague that I’m hoping will help me. My frustration is the indicator that all my wonderful manifesting energy has been pouring into a broken vessel of someone else—and I need to take it back and start thinking about me again.

Here’s an example:

Last week, I was feeling depressed by a friendship. Every time I suggest a way for my friend to change her life for the better, she shuts it down and tells me “I don’t understand” and “it’s impossible.” Or worse, she agrees with me, then does absolutely nothing about it. For me, it means I hardly ever get to see my friend or spend time with her. This frustrates me. But, I don’t give up: She’s my friend and we’ll figure something out, right?

Wrong. She’s my friend, but she’s the keeper of her own castle. If she’s blind, she’ll only open her eyes when she’s ready. And that is that. So my choice is either to pull my power back, or continue to leak it out in my ineffectual desire to change her, or help her change.

So when I choose to pull my power back and leave her to her own devices, I’m not being callous or unloving. If anything, I’m loving myself more and giving her room to explore the dead-end she’s in until she’s fully satisfied with the experience of her rut. (Yes, odd as it sounds, like a patron at a fancy banquet, no matter how crazy or irrational it seems to outsiders, she needs to reach full satisfaction with her misery before she’ll change it.)

The first thing I do to take my power back is to ask myself, “Did she actually ask for my help?” (No). “Does she truly feel motivated to try something new and courageous?” (No.) Now I can face up to an idea: maybe it’s ME who is wanting something that she doesn’t see a way to give. I want my friendship and intimacy with her, but I may have to adjust my desires instead.

This is where manifesting becomes powerful, because it asks, “How do I adjust so that I’m not allowing my life and energy to be drained and disappointed by this relationship?” By asking this of myself, I’m no longer at my friend’s mercy, waiting for her to change: I am the one who will adjust my needs and desires. Flowdreaming is a potent ally in this process: Instead of Fowdreaming to try to make her see how her behavior is always negating our friendship, or Flowdreaming to pull her back into my life (both are examples of me trying to run her castle) instead I Flowdream that my need for close, intimate friends, in general, is being constantly fulfilled.

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Helpful Flowdreams for Detaching and Feeling Good Again
Remove Obstacles and Resolve “Irresolvable” Situations
Flowdreaming for Happy Relationships Downloadable CD
Daily Flowdreaming: 11 Flowdreams in 11 Days
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I Flowdream that I have people in my life who swirl me forward and inspire me, instead of it always being the other way around. I Flowdream that my friends are always available to share time with me, and enjoy good experiences with my family. I let go of my particular desires that I’ve loaded on this friend, and I ask my Flow to give me so much inner fulfillment in my personal relationships, with whichever friends are ready to give it, that I no longer burden this particular one with requests she can’t fulfill. My Flow, in return, starts offering up this to me as new people come into my life, and new friendships start to coalesce, and I discover that there really are people whom I like just as they are or who can even show me a thing or two about friendship.

Flow makes all this possible. I just have to take my power back by taking my “I need you to change” energy back. What is hard, though, is releasing my hopes and expectations. I don’t want my friend to drift away. I don’t want to see her get mired in her life, and no longer be the shining light I know she is. I want to be able to confide in her, but I can’t if she’s not a flexible, supportive, willing presence in my life. And that is where I need to pluck up my courage to say, “So be it.”

I end the process of letting go by feeling, in my Flow, that our relationship is divinely guided. I feel how she’s being guided to see whatever she needs to see, by whatever means her Flow sees best. I feel how our connection is still strong and open secure, and even though I may not be getting from the friendship what I need right now, we might again be close someday. I let our Flow move us both toward the people and experiences that nurture us and support us.

This example is not just limited to just friendships, by the way. I could be talking about a spouse, or a child, parent, or soon-to-be-ex-romantic partner. The principle is the same. You probably have a person in your life with whom you feel this way, too.

I know, it can sound a bit sad, but look deeper and what you see is a very positive willingness to face where you’re at in a courageous and hopeful way. Manifesting means accepting the now fully and clearly, so you can make even better, more effective decisions about creating a fulfilling future. When you can see things clearly like this everyday, day after day, the “now” becomes better and better, and even things like friendships, or the need to change someone, become fluid and flexible, and move through your life with much less agony and much more faith.

Changing my friend is no longer an option. She may not realize it yet, but now she can explore whatever place she’s in without the additional burden of me haranguing her. And, I feel better, knowing that there will probably come a point when we again become close, after she reaches her own realizations in whatever way she chooses to do so. But in the meantime, I am very happy with whatever new intimacies Flow brings me.

Flow always works to offer the best to everyone—there are no losers in the land of spirit. We just have to trust, and allow, and have the courage to move on. May you Flow with joy and release, now and always.

1. Break out the honesty.
Very often the source of our frustrations is our fear that our loved one will not accept how we feel or what we need in a situation. Honesty needs to be purposefully developed and cultured. It often doesn’t just happen by itself, especially if we grew up in homes where honesty wasn’t the norm. When we expect that what we need and feel won’t be honored, we either clam up or stuff down our needs. If the idea of being honest and open sends shivers of fear up your spine, then you know you REALLY need this tip: Create a list of relationship issues with various loved ones that you want be more open about, and work your way up by starting with the easiest first. In your Flow, pre-act scenarios where you are open and honest, and feel the relief and acceptance when you do so. This opens the energies to allowing honesty into your relationships in a safe, comfortable way.

2. Fighting is good.
Well, certain kinds of fighting are good…such as arguments in which you and your loved one share honestly and openly (remember that last tip?), which work to air and resolve sticking points in relationships. Once things are on the table, they can be resolved or improved. A lack of arguing, on the other hand, can mean that you or your loved one has simply resigned themselves (unhappily) to certain aspects of your relationship. Your instincts will know if your smooth sailing is due to your ongoing openness with each other, or from your or your loved one’s refusal to engage. (And remember, fighting in which someone is hostile, derogatory, or accusational is NOT the kind of sharing that brings improvement.) To help create “effective” disagreements that result in improvement, you can daydream a scenario in your Flow in which during your next dispute, you suddenly see just the “right angle” for opening up and sharing, which is met with authentic openness and attention from your loved one.

3. Have real boundaries, and enforce them.
Real, enforced boundaries mean that you have a defined what healthy and unhealthy behaviors exist in the people around you, and you’ve made sure they know what you will and won’t tolerate. This may be the wife who leaves the house whenever her husband begins to overpower her with his voice when arguing (because unacceptable behavior–shouting–is met with a predictable consequence: she removes herself from the abuse). Or it may mean the parent who warns their child not to leave the house without telling them clearly where they’re going, or they lose driving privileges. Enforced boundaries create a comforting predictability, while “backing down” from the boundaries that keep you sane and protected leave you exposed and insecure. You can very quickly identify where your boundaries are being overrun by going into your Flow and sensing what parts or aspects of your relationships make you uneasy. These show where you’re boundaries are being crossed or uninforced. Ask your Flow to help you understand what boundaries or rules you need to have to heal these worrisome areas.

4. Action, action.
This tip means it’s time to stop waiting for “things to change” and just start acting and behaving as if they already have. This is a good tip for perfectionists, procrastinators, and overthinkers who get caught up in being tentative and waiting for the right moment or the right conversation, etc., before taking initiative. A lot of us want to make a move or shift in a relationship, but the right time just never comes. So “action action!” reminds us that sometimes the right time will NEVER come–not until we ourselves start making changes. Ask your Flow to begin giving you easy actions and to bring in the right people and perfect openings for you to begin doing first, and analyzing later.

5. Don’t doubt your feelings.
Your feelings are sensitive antennae. They point out what’s going on, often before your rational mind has time to decode all the hints. Imagine your feelings as sensitive interceptors of the Flow energy around you, reading the energy behind situations even when the logic isn’t there yet to support them. If something feels wrong, it probably IS wrong, no matter how it’s dressed up at the moment. (Although sometimes our feelings do lead us into irrational ideas, more often than not they really are alerting us to something we dislike, even if it’s not what we think.) If you’re working through tough emotional issues with a loved one, one good strategy is to use your Flow to create energy templates for healthy, mutually satisfying interactions. For instance, if you need to know exactly how someone is feeling, but they won’t tell you, then in your Flow, daydream a scenario in which your loved one feels totally free, open, and sharing. Support this with open, receptive feelings on your end. Then allow the Flow to work out the best path to this very scenario occurring in real life.

Let’s start with #1. For many years, I’ve been in a position where I’ve offered some excellent business ideas to someone. These are ideas that will really make her business take off—and likewise I’ve told her where she’s made some pretty obvious business blunders. The problem is, my friend never actually asks for my opinion, and this is hard for me, since I think I have such good opinions to give (sound like anyone you know?), and I know her industry well. However, lately I’ve finally had to face the idea that to her, my ideas are always lead—not gold. This hurts me. It hurts that she doesn’t think I can offer her anything of value. It hurts my self-esteem, since somewhere along the way I realize that I’ve tied some of my self-esteem to what she thinks of me. This is because I care about her, and want her to think well of me.

This has probably happened to you, too, somewhere in your life. Someone you care about (it could be your mom, brother, friend, or even your boss) doesn’t value your opinion, and since you judge your own value based on what they think of you, you always lose out. What can you do about this? What can I do about this?

This brings me to #2. Sometimes our ideas are clunkers, but often they aren’t. They may just need a little tweaking to get them right. Or they may need a lot of effort or resources. But if you have an idea and you have the passion to fulfill it, then who, really, is to stop you? You might say that you need help. You need the authority. You need funding. You need emotional support. Your list can get very long of all the things you think you need. You can look at any one of the big obstacles in your life right now and create a nice list of all the things you need to fix it as well as all the ideas you had to fix it that were tossed out. The bottom line is, sometimes you just have to pick something a go for it, and stop thinking that anyone else has to think it’s a good idea too. True, you could be wrong. The idea could be lead. But your only other option is often paralysis—you don’t go for what you think is right because you aren’t supported or are told you can’t and on and on.

So where does #3 fit in? That’s the concept that some things will flow for you, while others won’t. Golden ideas flow. The energy of life is behind them. Clunkers largely sink. Some bad ideas do seem to perpetuate themselves longer than you’d think is possible, but that’s always because they have an enabler involved. The enabler might be a big source of funding, a bad boss, a family member, or someone or something invested in them even as their project or job or relationship is crumbling. Bad ideas don’t heed the Flow, and if viewed correctly are allowed to wash away so good ideas can take their place. So, what if you have an idea for something (a new career, a new way of handling your relationship, or even new hobby you want to take up), but you can’t find support for it? If you were me, I’d go for it anyway. I’d begin to see what happens—do I get resistance or do I get opportunities? And what, you say, if your ideas are blocked? What if my boss or husband or someone who really counts is opposed to it?

If that’s the case, then step back a minute. Ask yourself, are my ideas habitually blocked? Is this a large source of frustration in my life? If the answer is yes, then pull back from your latest greatest idea and begin asking the larger question: Why am I allowing so much blockage in my life?

….and to answer that one, it’ll take a whole other post.

*To support your creative or entrepreneurial idea, I suggest the audio CD Flowdreaming for Enhanced Creativity and Success.

I took a yoga class this evening with a new teacher. We spent an entire hour doing what felt like a variation of the same standing pose, and the teacher was full of criticism. My butt was too high, my shoulders were drooping, and my feet were not wide enough apart. When I inadvertently stretched in between poses to unkink my aching arms, she scolded me, “We are not doing that stretch right now.”

Twenty minutes into the class, I wanted to leave. And twenty minutes later, I found myself thinking what an awful teacher she was, and how her rigid yoga philosophy was so unlike my own. Twenty minutes after that, I thought, “What is my Flow doing bringing me here?” and so I spent the rest of class thinking about that way I really disliked this teacher, while around her the other students were happily chirping that this was the best class in town, since you really got to learn each yoga pose so well.

Not long ago, I made the decision to finally begin teaching workshops in person. My biggest fear about intimate presentations and workshops is that I won’t give my attendees all that they come to learn. That somehow I’ll fail to communicate what I intend to, and they’ll be disappointed. I worry that they won’t like me. I will be like this yoga teacher with a half a dozen huffing, puffing, happy students doing headstands, and one sulky disappointed one like me.

I know this is silly. I know that some people just don’t energetically match up. And I think my Flow is bringing me into contact with a lot of people right now who don’t energetically match with me, just so I’ll be sure to get the point. It’s not their fault; it’s not my fault. We just don’t look at the world the same way, and the accumulation of experiences we each carry from our lives is so different that we have little to relate to each other with.

However, my Flow heard my desire to teach, so it’s bringing me experiences right now that will help my teaching become a smooth, enjoyable act. Apparently, I can start by watching other “bad” teachers and realizing that they are only “bad” to my way of relating to the world—the happy class around her reminds me that my judgements are only applicable to my own feelings.

Somewhere along the way of my life, I became a people-pleaser. And now I am unlearning that trait, because when I spend so much of my time trying to make that one or two sulky people happy, it means I’m ignoring (or not concentrating my energy) on those people with whom I do match, and who can learn from me, or with whom I can be a good friend, or a good employee to, or share myself with. 

It’s like in your family: if you worry constantly about that one person in your family with whom you don’t get along, then you’re giving over “X” amount of your energy—your precious moments of life—to that disharmony.

What about all the people in your family who do love you and want to have more good times with you? Like this teacher, don’t give all your attention and obsessive thoughts to the one angry student (or lover, friend, employer, coworker, teacher, parent, child, etc.) in your life. Some people just won’t like you, and no matter how you try to please them, or how much you rail about not liking them, your energy signatures will just never match up, and you won’t ever see the world the same way or look eye to eye.

Be choosy where you expend your energy—focus on areas of harmony first, where your Flow carries you effortlessly forward. These are probably areas that you habitually ignore—you overlook them since they are so mellow and easy. Maybe it’s your marriage. Or your relationship with a parent, or good friend. Maybe it’s a good customer or client, or some other aspect of work where you’re always rewarded. 

Stop trying to please everyone, and simply please those with whom you create the most mutual benefit. Take a moment now to think about the people who don’t like you, and the people who do. Now send the people who love you a little note or email telling them that you love them too: “I love you and I’m glad you’re in my life.” “I always enjoy doing business with you.” “I had such a good time the last time we went out—we should do it again.” “I love your class and think you’re great at teaching this material.” And so on.

Thank you, yoga teacher, for reminding me that I won’t like everyone, and they won’t like me, and that’s perfectly okay.