Some people don’t like you. And, they’ll never like you. And you can’t make them like you. And there is nothing you can do about it.
I took a yoga class this evening with a new teacher. We spent an entire hour doing what felt like a variation of the same standing pose, and the teacher was full of criticism. My butt was too high, my shoulders were drooping, and my feet were not wide enough apart. When I inadvertently stretched in between poses to unkink my aching arms, she scolded me, “We are not doing that stretch right now.”
Twenty minutes into the class, I wanted to leave. And twenty minutes later, I found myself thinking what an awful teacher she was, and how her rigid yoga philosophy was so unlike my own. Twenty minutes after that, I thought, “What is my Flow doing bringing me here?” and so I spent the rest of class thinking about that way I really disliked this teacher, while around her the other students were happily chirping that this was the best class in town, since you really got to learn each yoga pose so well.
Not long ago, I made the decision to finally begin teaching workshops in person. My biggest fear about intimate presentations and workshops is that I won’t give my attendees all that they come to learn. That somehow I’ll fail to communicate what I intend to, and they’ll be disappointed. I worry that they won’t like me. I will be like this yoga teacher with a half a dozen huffing, puffing, happy students doing headstands, and one sulky disappointed one like me.
I know this is silly. I know that some people just don’t energetically match up. And I think my Flow is bringing me into contact with a lot of people right now who don’t energetically match with me, just so I’ll be sure to get the point. It’s not their fault; it’s not my fault. We just don’t look at the world the same way, and the accumulation of experiences we each carry from our lives is so different that we have little to relate to each other with.
However, my Flow heard my desire to teach, so it’s bringing me experiences right now that will help my teaching become a smooth, enjoyable act. Apparently, I can start by watching other “bad” teachers and realizing that they are only “bad” to my way of relating to the world—the happy class around her reminds me that my judgements are only applicable to my own feelings.
Somewhere along the way of my life, I became a people-pleaser. And now I am unlearning that trait, because when I spend so much of my time trying to make that one or two sulky people happy, it means I’m ignoring (or not concentrating my energy) on those people with whom I do match, and who can learn from me, or with whom I can be a good friend, or a good employee to, or share myself with.
It’s like in your family: if you worry constantly about that one person in your family with whom you don’t get along, then you’re giving over “X” amount of your energy—your precious moments of life—to that disharmony.
What about all the people in your family who do love you and want to have more good times with you? Like this teacher, don’t give all your attention and obsessive thoughts to the one angry student (or lover, friend, employer, coworker, teacher, parent, child, etc.) in your life. Some people just won’t like you, and no matter how you try to please them, or how much you rail about not liking them, your energy signatures will just never match up, and you won’t ever see the world the same way or look eye to eye.
Be choosy where you expend your energy—focus on areas of harmony first, where your Flow carries you effortlessly forward. These are probably areas that you habitually ignore—you overlook them since they are so mellow and easy. Maybe it’s your marriage. Or your relationship with a parent, or good friend. Maybe it’s a good customer or client, or some other aspect of work where you’re always rewarded.
Stop trying to please everyone, and simply please those with whom you create the most mutual benefit. Take a moment now to think about the people who don’t like you, and the people who do. Now send the people who love you a little note or email telling them that you love them too: “I love you and I’m glad you’re in my life.” “I always enjoy doing business with you.” “I had such a good time the last time we went out—we should do it again.” “I love your class and think you’re great at teaching this material.” And so on.
Thank you, yoga teacher, for reminding me that I won’t like everyone, and they won’t like me, and that’s perfectly okay.
Tags: frustration, Resistance, yoga
Beautiful post Summer!
I too have been thinking about this a lot lately!
You’re a great teacher and I love you!
Lots of love
Wishing you the best in love,
Blaire Allison
The Love Guru
http://www.loveguru.net
http://www.datingtipsfordudes.com
cool post. I gave yoga classes ago for six lessons in 2007 and the teacher I had was lovely lady but I was having issues with the breathing exercises to match up with physical movement so decied it was not for me thenas was too frustrating and only upsetting me.
As for liking people and people liking us. That will always be a challenge in the collective world but like the advice to focus our energy on the people more we match with and engage with us. That is one of the things I been aiming to do more of.
Thanks for reminding me Summer
Yes!!!!!!!
I’m totally jiving with this one!
Thank you!
*hugs*
Summer, all of this is incredibly helpful. What does one do if you find that you are holding back from the people in your life? I, too, was a people pleaser and find that in order to not do that, I pull back more that I would want to otherwise. Where is the balance? How do I ask my flow for that?
Great work you are doing here and I love your blog!
I’ve found that I have spent years trying to be who I’m not in order to win friendship. I finally realized that I’m proud of who I am and that I want to be around people who are accepting of me as I am.
Great posting Summer and great show on Hay House Radio today. I have always been a “people pleaser” and this has also been hard to learn over the years. It is not always easy, but you gave a great example. When we are not allowing ourself to be guided by what others think of us, then I think we make better decisions for ourselves and are ultimately happier. I love how you mention about how we expend energy, which is so important. Sometimes our biggest obstacles can be our greatest lessons, and your story was a big ahha for me. The yoga class was obvioulsy put in your path to allow you to learn from it, and in turn share it with us. I also learned from your story that even though these things get put in our path, that it is always important to look for the lesson, be grateful for the experience, and look for the positive in everything, which you do so well. Thanks again so much for sharing this experience! Also, loved your show this morning, and looking forward to more news about the 6 month class online and weekend workshop! I always learn something valuable from your show, and stories, that I find helpful in applying to my own life.
Great posting Summer
I relate to how you felt because I joined a gym and I tried different classes or just workout on the machines and I found that I really did not enjoy being around the gym atomsphere. I started jogging and taking very long walk where I live (weather permitted) and I bought several exercise CD to my flavor and I really enjoy doing this. In doing these walks I have learned that I would like to relocate to a state that has beautiful weather all year around where I can do much more outdoor activites for myself and my girls. I think it take us to try something and we will find out if we like it or not.
Love the blog its awesome and thank you for all your help and time.
Summer, this is a great post! It’s so about flow. I find this applies to things I do in life too. I used to think if things weren’t challenging enough, they weren’t worth doing. I then missed out on doing a lot of things that were really in my flow and using my talents.
I love your suggestion of noticing where relationships are smooth and putting love into them. Wow, I can see how that could make our lives really blossom.
This week when I listened to your show, I noticed a change in your voice. You sounded more centered on who you were. It sounded wonderful!
I LOVE this message. I think I must have taken a class with that same yoga teacher and she didn’t like me either! Your explanation about how sometimes our energy just match well with someone elses make perfect sense. It really does feel better to focus on who and what we do appreciate. Many thanks!
Love it! Sometimes we can put entirely too much energy into these encounters and keep reliving them over and over in our heads thereby giving them even more power. I have a mantra that I recite to myself whenever I have such an experience and that is, “As it is…As I am.” It helps me to accept the other person (or situation) while not judging myself either. It’s very liberating. Thanks for the great post!
Thank you so much for this post, Summer. I’d been thinking a lot about this very subject this past week but it took you’re post to help me to stop ruminating and to allow my flow to connect with the positive and peaceful energy I felt coming from you. So thank you, and Happy Valentine’s Day. with love, Eileen
Summer,
How ironic that I too started Yoga classes and had a very similar situation that you had. I worried myself to death about this woman who was suppose to be full of peace and love! Everyone in my town goes to this (only) yoga class, and I feel sad because I just can’t stand to be around the teacher….and I really like Yoga! So I know there was a reason that I had this experience, I am sure to learn the very same thing that you learned from your situation!!
Thanks for sharing…
With Love
Tori
Summer,
Love it Love it Love it Thank You so much This really applies to me to just
look for the message and just feel the flow..Thank You so much for sharing this….I really love Yoga and the peace it brings.
Love, Peace, Joy
Stahi
Summer,
I know about energy that does not match. I live in a small of town of 18 people and I know how it goes. I was trying everything to get along and be liked by all, I was exhausted. I had to just let it go. Thank you for the post, I see now that I do not need them to like me. i just have to be who i am, and go from there.
This is good. I have entertained this thought before and was good to hear you say this Summer!
Love,
Sandi
Dear Summer: “I love you and I’m glad you are in my life.” You’ve helped me tremendously over the past year with the show and the CD’s and I always find something new to learn from you. It’s interesting; I remember a guest on “Power Thoughts” telling Diane Ray the exact same thing. That no matter what, there will always be someone who won’t like you and it’s just how life is and that you can’t dwell on it. I have been that one person who didn’t like something everybody was raving about. I don’t feel so alone now.
Looking forward to one day taking an in person class. I’m in L.A. so no excuse huh?
Dear Summer,
Your message reminds me of some of the beautiful messages I’ve received in AA over the years. I’ve always learned from the statement “wrecked on the rocks of expectation”, wherein my ego needs and expects everyone to think I’m the greatest human being on the planet and when they don’t I’m jarred and upset, wondering what’s wrong with them? When I don’t “expect” everyone to like me I’m ok when someone makes it clear in some way that they don’t care for me. The other statement that gives me a lot of peace and guides me is “live, and let live” which needs no explanation. I gain a great deal of self awareness and hope from your messages, thank you so much for all you do. Your upcoming retreat is a good way for me to practice flowdreaming at being there on the beach with you and others, feeling peaceful and excited at learning more of me. May the force be with you. Dave
Wow…Summer this is such beautiful writing. Gosh, you and I think so much alike. I too suffer from trying to make others happy, which often leaves me drained and stressed because their validation/approval is so important to me. I love your new approach, I need to adopt it more in my own life.
Keep up the great work!
[...] Summer McStravick, writes: Stop trying to please everyone, and simply please those with whom you create the most mutual benefit. [...]
I’ve just discoved this blog and I love it. It’s wonderful to see that many people has had similar experiences as me. I’ve been a pleaser until recently and this was so unpleasant for me. I’m learning to act the way I really want and it’s not easy though. The hardest thing is to find out that a person who you though you had a good feeling with, suddenly doesn’t like you. But it’s even worse to maintain that relationship of disrespect.
Thanks Summer for sharing your thoughts with us.
María
one can hear your confidence growing in your voice.
You know, when someone doesn’t like me, I realize it really isn’t about me. They are usually reacting to some truth that I have unveiled that challenges their beliefs or “stuck”ness. And anyway, if they don’t like me, they don’t like themselves, because if we are all one, and we are all god, then me and that person are both god, and they are only disliking an aspect of god/themself. And that’s okay. Some parts of my personality are unlikeable to some people, and that’s okay. When I’m REALLY feeling unliked, I remind myself that I’m not here (on earth) to make friends, I’m here to make CHANGE. And people are generally resistant to that.
so,
the mantra is:
I’M NOT HERE TO BE LIKED, I’M HERE TO MAKE CHANGE
I liked what you had to say. I am pretty silly and funny, I guess, I don’t know something like that, and it seems there is always someone around who doesnt like me and sometime that makes me all quite and then I don’t meet new people, or I hide the part of me that SOME people like, in that way I can end up looking uptight at a party say if someone around me doesn’t like me or whatever.
I have learned that if I give into a couple of people that don’t like me and hide away, well then I don’t know anyone and nobody will know me.
I have learned (or am trying to learn) how to either ignore that persons energy, I find it really hard, or keep living in spite of them. But sometimes (or all the time) as I am a very open and understanding person, I DO like the person that doesn’t like me, I wan’t to learn from everyone, but I have had to start looking at them and thinking crazy things like < they wish they were like me, or they are a bore. … or what not, I am not sure I am just replaceing my positive thoughts with negative ones for them… but it works.
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